‘90s Turning Into The Standoff Decade Standoffs Have Become So Popular It’s Hard To Keep Them All Straight, So John Young Gives Us An Update On Some Of The Under-Reported Standoffs Currently In Progress.
So, you say you’ve had enough of nutty groups holding out in defiance of the law and/or common sense as they wrap themselves around the pinky finger of group-think. So, get used to it …
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. - The standoff continues here where well-fortified tobacco executives are barricading themselves from the truth.
A bedsheet banner declaring “Smoke: Just What the Doctor Ordered” hangs in a window of the corporate compound where the tobacco wigs hold out.
“The scientific facts are incontrovertible. Neither are cigarettes addictive nor are they unhealthy. They are, in fact, one of the five basic food groups,” says a written message delivered from the compound to be printed in full-page newspaper advertisements across the country. “No one, not the FDA, not the AMA, not the Army, not the Marines can change our minds. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms? Don’t make us laugh.”
FBI surveillance of the compound finds the members engaging in daily rigors, including an hours-long “dance of denial” in which they hop on one foot, cup their hands over their ears and hum loudly.
SPRING HILL, Tenn. - The standoff continues and cult experts are stymied by the bizarre behavior of a religious band of car owners.
They all own Saturns.
“Just spooky,” is how one negotiator described the group, which for months has been holed up around a large canvas tent, eating barbecue and engaging in car sensitivity sessions.
“These people have crossed the fine line between mind control and cruise control,” said a negotiator trying to get the cultists to get on with their lives.
“Have you seen those Saturn commercials?” he said, “We should have expected this.” Cult experts were alerted by a particular TV spot in which a Saturn buyer named Julie is greeted by a Saturn salesman named Todd. Todd gives Julie the keys to her new car as a group applauds in a semi-circle.
“Textbook cultism,” said the negotiator, who warned of a long holdout. “If we are to judge by the commercials, a Saturn separatist believes he has found God in his glove compartment.”
BUCHANANVILLE, Buchanan Territory - The standoff continues at this heavily guarded spread in occupied Idaho, at which followers of right-wing icon Pat Buchanan have granted him his wish for his own country.
“Manifest Destiny” is the sign at the edge of Buchanan Territory, which is rimmed by an electrified barbed-wire fence, 26 feet in height. Topped with razor wire, observers call it the Buchanan Curtain.
The group announced its secession from the country just after it was clear Buchanan would fail to secure the presidential nomination. Since then, it has been printing its own currency, organizing its own army, and speaking in a dialect that excludes all foreign-derived nouns. That leaves eight, total.
DALLAS - The standoff continues where Ross Perot has gathered himself, by himself, to await the second coming of his presidential candidacy.
Perot is said to have enough provisions to last until time’s end, and has jawboned a record 26 FBI negotiators into early retirement.
“This is not your ordinary standoff,” said an FBI spokesman. “Usually you have a group holding out. In this case, you have this puny, delusional guy who expects to be joined by millions here when he gives the word, live, on Larry King.” When asked to give a term describing a cult without followers, the negotiator said, “Well, that would be Ross Perot.”
Negotiators are taking Perot very seriously, however. “He organized his own military raid, for goodness sakes,” said an FBI spokesman.
Perot is known to covet the presidency, but has said he will not campaign for it. He expects the presidency to come to him.
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