Use Your Head, Not Your Heart
From time to time, readers fill in the blank in “I knew it was love … ” Wendy was one of those readers.
She wrote that she knew it was love when after three years, her boyfriend Ted sent her flowers for no reason, drove 20 miles just because he thought she needed a hug and generally doted on her day and night.
“He was always there when I needed someone, even if I couldn’t always admit that I did.”
Call it a cousin of the Sports Illustrated cover jinx, but shortly after the column ran, things began to change.
“It started with a shove,” says Wendy. It went from there to a full-blown abusive relationship.
“I endured situations that were unspeakable. I had my clothes literally torn off of me and shredded. I was forced to walk home three miles in the middle of the night. He broke into my apartment and robbed me on more than one occasion. I was thrown out of hotel rooms in the middle of the night in strange cities with no money. We would spend a lovely, romantic evening and then, with no provocation, he would beat me.”
Why would a woman stay in such a relationship?
“I was in love,” says Wendy. And after every episode, there were “tears, apologies and promises it would never happen again. He would tell me he loved me, cherished me and that he was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Wendy lived off a combination of memories of the past, hope for the future and denial about the present.
Wendy and Ted tried counseling, but he would drop out. He went to A.A., but after a few meetings, he decided he didn’t need it. He wasn’t like “the others.” He promised he was off drugs, but she found marijuana and cocaine in his house.
And then Ted decided they should get married. He would set up a date for the two of them to drive to a state without a waiting period- he was too impatient to wait - and then he’d back out at the last minute.
“I would wake up early and dress for the day I had long awaited, only to find a note on the windshield of my car telling me that he had changed his mind.”
In July 1995, Ted beat Wendy again. And then, a few days later, he told her he was ‘truly sorry for everything.” He told her that over the years she had become his best friend. He loved her and needed her.
“He seemed so sincere. I began to feel the love we once had for each other. The tears running down his face convinced me that this time it was different.”
Ted wanted to get married the very next day. “I asked him over and over again if he was sure. He convinced me that he was.”
So, they did it. “Less than an hour after arriving home, he began to cry and told me he wasn’t sure. I was devastated. I felt numb and confused. I wanted to leave and give us both time to sort things out. He accused me of bailing out on him. He told me he loved me and wanted me to be his wife, and then in a blink of an eye, he told me he wanted a divorce.”
It was one of the shorter marriages on record. 31 hours. Although it did take six months for the divorce to be final.
“Every time he filed papers, he came back to me and said it wasn’t what he really wanted.”
But it was what Wendy really wanted, finally. “As I have learned the hard way, the first time abuse happens, run, get out. The first time is a warning of things to come.
“Heed those warnings. Follow your better judgment. Don’t listen with your heart. Use your head.”