Mom Still A Mom Even As A Teenager
Dear Jennifer: I have been planning for some time to write and thank you for helping in a time of crisis. My daughter was 17 when she became pregnant and gave birth. I wrote to you and asked for advice. My daughter was coming home and bringing her baby and I was terrified.
How could I deal with a child who was also a mother and prepare her and myself for the time when they would move away, and keep her friendship?
Your advice to me was “treat her as though she is your 25-year-old daughter who is coming home for a while.” Up to then I had not thought of that. I was treating her like a child and was prepared to continue to do that. It would have been such a mistake.
The baby is now a beautiful, bright, loving and loved child. They lived with us until my daughter was 20.
Then she got her own place. She has put herself through a training program and has a good job at the local hospital.
We are good friends. They live a few miles away and we see them often. She is a good mother and I’m glad we helped her when she really needed it. It is still tough for a single mother with children. It will be tough for a long time, but she is strong and she’ll make it.
I often think of your advice and how different it might have been if I had continued to try to control her and treat her as a more typical teenager in a typical family situation.
I know it would have been disastrous. Thank you so much and keep up the good work! - Bonnie
Dear Bonnie: I am always grateful for the energy boost a thank you provides. It is an honor to be able, sometimes, to offer an alternative that works. - Jennifer
Dear Jennifer: A while ago I met a man at work. We are both married. From day one, we were strongly attracted to one another. We became friends, and when it seemed an affair was inevitable (and a desired thing), he would back off. Days would pass, then the chase would resume.
To make a long story short, we met for a brief sexual encounter. It was short, but sweet. We both enjoyed ourselves and I was happy to have finally experienced his physical self.
After a few minutes of talking, he said he had to get dressed. His mood changed immediately. He was cold and acted angry. I said, “What’s the matter, tell me and we’ll talk right now!” He said, “I don’t know what’s wrong.” He looked like he was going to cry.
Whereas before he had been a friendly and kind person toward me, now he is cold, distant. At first, he refused to look at me and would not talk to me, and went to great lengths to avoid me.
If I thought maybe I was being paranoid, then that thought was dismissed as other people who know us both would say, “What happened to X? He used to light up when he saw you, and now he’s so cold. What happened?”
Do you have any advice? How do I stop longing for him? I know my feelings for him are one-sided, but how do I get rid of the sorrow I feel, the longing? I cared for him and wanted to be his mistress, not his wife, but was that asking too much?
What does any of this mean? - Monica
Dear Monica: This sounds like a combination of the age-old double standard - you are now a bad woman because you said yes - and guilt over infidelity. You two are committed to others. There is also the problem that the thrill of the chase and chemistry is often unmatched by mere sexual intercourse. He’s thinking it’s done, and you, as most women, think you’ve taken a step toward intimacy.
You ask, “What does any of this mean?” I am tempted to be brusque and ask what on earth you expected. You seem to have no sense of your own value or the value of his wife. What about his commitments and yours? I sense there is so little love in your marriage that you are willing to search for it anywhere, at any cost. He may sense your hunger and it both saddens and frightens him.
Let him go, he was never there for you. Go to a counselor to learn about your values and need. You cannot float around other people’s lives like this and expect to hold onto your own. Take care. - Jennifer xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review