Had More Than Tee Martoonies

Dear Ann Landers: A couple of years ago, you had a hilarious column on Secretary’s Day that kept our entire office in stitches. I clipped it out and planned to ask you to run it again. Here it is, Ann. How about it? - Nellie from Vineland, N.J.

Dear Nellie: That piece originally appeared in the Shining Mountain Sentinel. I tried, without success, to track down the author. It was a great hit with office workers everywhere. I am delighted you asked to see it again - especially because today, once again, is National Secretary’s Day. Here it is:

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, “I’m another year older,” but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, “Happy birthday, dear.”

All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn’t say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, “Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and have a nice gift for me.”

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, “Give me a slice of toast! I’m late! Where is my coat? I’m going to miss the bus!” Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful “Happy birthday, boss.” She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, “Since it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together?” Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, “That’s a good idea.”

So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, “Why don’t we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?” So we drove out of town, to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, “Why don’t we go to my place and I will fix you another martini?” It sounded like a good idea since we didn’t have much to do in the office.

So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, “If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,” and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

Dear Ann: Twentieth century civilization lost something with the demise of the Burma Shave sign. They always made our motor trips a bit more enjoyable. Here’s another one. - Highway Fan

Car in ditch

Driver in tree.

The moon was full

And so was he.


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