Fans Really Know Bad Dialogue

The folks at TV’s “Mystery Science Theater” have made a career out of talking back to the screen. This week (opening nationally but not in Spokane) they even do it in a new, theatrical movie.

But please. They’re professionals. They have training, and a staff of writers.

Don’t let their success tempt you. Don’t try this yourself.

Is there anything more annoying in a theater than an audience that won’t shut up? I’m not talking about cheers and boos and applause. I’m not even talking about the occasional shouts of “Watch out!” and “You go, girl!” I grew up with in New York. I’m used to that.

No, I’m talking about the people who sit directly behind you - they always sit directly behind you, did you notice? - and use a night at the movies as an excuse to have a long rambling phone conversation, without the phone.

They talk about office politics. They talk about their love lives, or lack thereof. They start talking during the opening credits - for some reason they sit in respectful silence during those pre-movie slide shows - and they don’t stop until they’re trudging up the aisle during the end.

These are the Constant Gabbers, and they’re the most annoying of theater talkers. But there are others. There are the Clueless Chatterers, who spend most of the time asking their dates what’s going on. (“So, I don’t get it - he’s Jekyll and Hyde?”) There’s the Awful Oracle, who likes predicting - incorrectly - every upcoming plot point. (“It’s twins!” shouted the woman behind me at the end of “Father of the Bride II.” It wasn’t.)

And then there are the good old Hungry Hyenas who, when they aren’t laboriously unwrapping a giant candy bar, are laughing louder than an “I Love Lucy” rerun at the lamest of jokes.

There are other perils to modern movie-going, of course. How about the people in front of you in that long ticket line who finally get up to the booth - and forget why they’re there? Or the folks who pop up every 15 minutes to get another greasy hot dog, and take care to tread on your feet coming and going? Or - my favorite - the happy mom and pop who bring along their crying, kvetching children. (And yes, I know what baby sitters cost. And that’s because, the few times my wife and I manage to go out to a movie, we hire one.)

People complain all the time - and rightfully so - about the current state of movie theaters. And many do have bad projection systems, dirty screens and amateurs in charge. (At one screening I went to last year, the last reel of the film was run upside down and backward.) Movie fans and movie makers deserve better than that. Both should complain long and hard to theater managers when they’re disappointed.

But fans deserve better from other fans, too.

So please. If you want to shout funny things at the screen, let the “Mystery Science Theater” people do it for you. And if you want to watch a movie while you catch up on gossip, predict endings, stuff your face with garlic dogs or comfort your crying children, go to a drive-in - or rent a tape and stay home.

You’ll have a better time, believe me.

And so will the rest of us.