Bulls May Be Best, But Miami Can’t Quit

Last time one of Pat Riley’s teams played this ineptly, he traded away half his players a few minutes later. He doesn’t have that luxury now, which is why Walt Williams (17 minutes, zero points) wasn’t handed a parachute and shipped to the Siberia Timberwolves sometime during Sunday’s plane ride back to Miami.

Said Riley, after an embarrassing 106-75 playoff loss to Chicago: “It’s almost as if our guys came in here today and apologized for playing hard the other night.”

We’re sorry. That’s what the Heat said on national TV.

Not we’re sorry - as in “We regret what happened.” We’re sorry - as in street slang for “Boy, we’re really dreadful.” You think that’s too hard an assessment? Well, the Heat could use a little hardening today.

“We were soft,” Riley said. “Very soft.”

Bulls forward Scottie Pippen spent a great deal of his on-court time laughing. Here’s one reason: Stacey King, with his one measly point, outscored both the Heat’s starting forwards. In 34 minutes total, Williams and Kurt Thomas somehow managed to combine for as many points as veteran Heat assistant coach Scotty Robertson and 80-year-old TV broadcaster Jack Ramsay.

Center Alonzo Mourning wasn’t a whole lot better, although he would have been wonderful if this sport gave points for scowling and punching people.

Sure, the Bulls are the greatest team in the world, but the Heat shouldn’t be playing scared. The Heat is supposed to be the best eighth seed ever, according to Chicago coach Phil Jackson. Maybe that’s not a terribly lofty distinction, akin to being the thinnest person at an overeater’s-anonymous meeting. But it doesn’t mean Miami should come out emotionless and spend almost all of Sunday down by 30 points, either.

In the fourth quarter, Chicago featured a lineup of Jud Buechler, Steve Kerr, Randy Brown, John Salley, and James Edwards - the latter of whom looks like Buddha but is slightly older. Made you wonder, watching Chicago dismantle Miami, why the Heat and Hornets fought so hard for the reward of facing the Bulls. Charlotte and Miami tussled to the death, clawing and biting and bloodying, Miami finally emerging from the pit to earn the privilege of standing blind-folded before a firing squad.

Here’s one disparity between the Bulls and Heat: Miami’s Tim Hardaway scored 26 points in Friday’s first half by producing the best half of basketball in his life. Michael Jordan somehow scored that many in Sunday’s first half quietly, despite leaving early with back pain.

“We’re smarter than they anticipated,” Jordan said. “They’ve tried to junk the game up physically and mentally. We’re smarter than that. We’re not going to fall prey to that.”

Physical? How’s this description for what happened to the Heat, physically?

“We got our heads handed to us,” said Riley, who spent most of the game sitting down, looking like a man about to barf up his per diem. “I think we should have had eight ejections this time. We would have been in the game.”

They might have been in the game, too, if Mourning had done anything. He has had a gruesome series so far, getting into all sorts of foul trouble Friday and following it with little of significance Sunday. For some reason, he kept taking jump shots, missing all five. Memo to Zo: If Riley wanted jumpers, he would have brought Jon Sunvold out of retirement.

“He lost his confidence,” Phil Jackson said of Mourning.

For his part, Riley defended his superstar. He must. You want to coddle Mourning, who works as hard as anybody, because you don’t want him bolting this off-season. The Heat without Mourning would be like South Florida without sunshine. You keep him by always saying very nice things to and about him - maybe hand-feeding him grapes when he would like a snack. That, and about $14 million a year, should do it.

“This isn’t about Zo,” Riley said when asked about Zo’s lack of production. “He’s just 25. He hasn’t been in many of these playoff games. He’s going to learn how to carry a club.”

Riley said nary a negative word about Mourning, but wasn’t quite as kind to his teammates. He said Mourning was playing “one against five” because he had so little help from the perimeter and was getting engulfed whenever he touched the ball. That would be a subtle jab at the likes of Williams, who disappears too often to have a Heat future if he makes the mistake of trying to exercise the escape clause in his contract. Heck, if Hootie & The Blowfish could go back and do it, they would edit Williams out of their video after Sunday’s stench.

Mourning is hardly blameless, though. He spent too much of Sunday fighting when it didn’t matter - staring scarily at Luc Longley, shoving Dennis Rodman and, as the teams went to the locker rooms at the half with Miami down by 25, punching Ron Harper in the face.

“I’ll see him Wednesday night,” Harper said, holding a cigar and a beer in the locker room. “I owe him. If he was up by some points, I’m sure he would laugh and joke, too.”

Mourning wasn’t much in the mood for jokes.

He had been a part of one all afternoon.