Satisfaction Comes From Mature Love

At intervals since 1974, I have been studying one class of Harvard Business School (HBS) graduates - the class of ‘49. These men represent the ultimate stars in business life: More than half became chairmen of the board or presidents, while another third became vice presidents.

But not all these winners in business were satisfied with the way their lives had turned out when I interviewed them in 1989, as they approached retirement. In fact, there was a significant minority of men in the class of ‘49 who were unhappy. The distinction between those men who hit the top of the well-being scale and those who lagged around the bottom was the most interesting part of the study.

When these men were in their mid-50s, the distinction was simple and clear: The happiest men were presidents. The unhappiest men were vice presidents. By their mid-60s the predictor of overall life satisfaction had completely shifted.

It is not their position in business that makes the difference. Only a handful more of the CEOs and presidents were among the highest well-being group. Vice presidents were evenly divided between very satisfied and unhappy.

Well, then, it must be money: Wrong again. There was virtually no difference in net worth between those who were satisfied with their lives by their mid-60s and those who were not.

OK, maybe it was the difference between retiring and still being fully active. Again, just as many of the contented men have left their companies for good as those who still go to the office full time.

So what does make the difference in overall contentment? The comfort of mature love is the single most important determinant of older men’s outlook on life.

Ninety percent of the happiest HBS men are in love with their wives today and say they have grown closer since the children left. In contrast, only half of the unhappiest men have become more intimate with their mates. And we’re not talking here about the love of the new young filly. Of the whole group studied, 88 percent are still married to Wife No. 1.

Another huge gap between men at opposite ends of the well-being scale is sexual compatibility with their wives. Most of the men who are savoring mature love with their wives also still enjoy making love to them. But it’s not just sex. They are turned on by her intellectual stimulation and her unconditional love.

The low well-being men have long lists of psychosomatic complaints, chiefly insomnia, broken sleep, tiring early, feeling fat, problems with digestion, high blood pressure and feeling irritable and angry much of the time.

Why angry? It’s the degree of success they have, or haven’t attained in their careers that gets under their skin. Status in the competitive pecking order is still the primary factor they allow to determine their overall contentment with life.

Perhaps one reason the highs have fewer aches and pains is that they concern themselves with others; many have taken some action to address the country’s major social or educational problems. The lows, in contrast, are very involved with themselves.

The wives of these mopey men are by and large frustrated by the reasons (alibis) their husbands give for not being able to change: “Insufficient contacts” or “It’s hard to get a good directorship at my age.” More than one wife has told her retired husband, “Why don’t you go out and get a real job?”

Continued excitement about life is the other determining factor in high well-being for men at this stage. The HBS men who enjoy the highest well-being had reached out for new adventures in half a dozen new directions before any grass grew under their feet. They therefore see semi- or full retirement as an enticing opportunity to add richness to their life balance sheets. The 60s for them are very much a self-directed stage.

Thus it is not dollars or titles that are most important to people in their 60s; it is the quality and quantity of meaningful human attachments and having something to be excited about. The high well-being men always take great pleasure in their offspring and often turn to them for comfort. The low-satisfaction men turn to their lawyers. Some admit they were absent or poor fathers.

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Gail Sheehy Universal Press Syndicate