My Husband Is A Bully In Bed
“I can’t live the rest of my life bickering over sex,” says Lauren, a pretty 30-year-old who cleans houses at a beach resort. “He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t play with the kids. As if we didn’t have enough to fight about, Peter is constantly bullying me into making love.”
He’s not abusive, “But Peter initiates lovemaking when he’s in the mood. I initiate when my level of guilt builds up.”
The nightly scenario: Peter comes home from work, snaps at the four kids and ignores Lauren. After dinner, he watches TV, leaving Lauren to clean up and get the kids to bed. “By the time I drag myself to the bedroom, Peter has awakened from his little nap and is all ready to make love,” she reports. “Well, I’m so exhausted and furious, I can’t stand to be touched.”
Lauren would be content to have sex two or three times a month. She says frankly, “I just don’t think about sex all that much. But now Lauren feels constant pressure to have sex with a man who never seems satisfied. Often, she pretends to be asleep or claims the proverbial headache.
Peter, 31, a construction foreman, thinks about sex all the time and wants it every night. He understood Lauren’s reluctance after her C-sections and knows she’s tired from her work and family responsibilities, but says he’s tired, too: “Tired of having to beg my wife for sex. If I didn’t initiate, we’d never have it.”
When they haven’t made love in a long time, Peter says he feels real emotional pain as well as sexual frustration. He insists he loves his wife: “I still thinks she’s sexy; I just wish she felt the same way about me.”
Getting in sync sexually
“Lauren and Peter are typical of couples suffering from what sex therapists call desire discrepancy - that is, when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other,” notes Patricia Love, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist at the Austin Family Institute in Austin, Texas.
When Lauren and Peter first came for counseling, they both believed their problems were Lauren’s fault. “Given our society’s preoccupation with sex, this isn’t surprising,” adds Love. “We expect people to have an unwavering interest in lovemaking.”
However, what these two, and many others, fail to understand is that many issues are responsible for differences in sexual desire. Psychological and social factors (strict or religious upbringing or gender conditioning), current life stressors (work or financial problems, etc.) as well as fluctuating hormonal levels can cause one partner to be hot when the other’s not. The partner who’s always in the mood feels cheated. The partner who’s never in the mood feels bullied.
If your marriage is also marred by bickering over who’s initiating sex and who’s pulling away, keep these points in mind:
For the partner with greater desire
Learn by asking what turns your partner on and what turns her off. The more skilled and sensitive you are to her needs, the greater the pleasure for both of you. Many people with low desire need the stimulation of sexual fantasies or erotica to become aroused.
Honor any sexual preconditions your partner has. If your spouse prefers to make love at night, don’t insist on an a.m. tryst.
Don’t confuse lust with love. Though it’s hard not to take a sexual rebuff personally, your partner’s low level of sexual desire may well have nothing to do with you.
For the partner with a low sex drive
Accept more responsibility for your own arousal. Don’t expect a partner to do all the work. What turns you on - more hugging, kissing, foreplay? Luxurious soak in a scented bath? Then ask in a loving way for what pleases.
Heed your own subtle sexual cues. When you feel even a slight twinge of desire, act on it. Try to detect patterns to your arousal. When do you feel the sexiest? Right after your period? At the beach? On the weekend?
Make room in your life for lovemaking. Many people with low desire admit that once they get aroused they do enjoy sex.
When Lauren and Peter were able to talk without blame about the discrepancy in their needs, they realized they needed to plan for sex just like everything else in their life. Peter also understood that if he helped more around the house and with the kids, Lauren would feel more loving toward him. She in turn responded to his sexual overtures as the loving gestures they were instead of as bullying demands.