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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

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Cat scratch fever

A linebacker on one of Oregon’s top high school football teams has been suspended and faces criminal charges for beating a stray cat to death.

Officials at McNary High School have been deluged with calls criticizing coach Tom Smythe and the school for fostering an unhealthy environment.

“He should be fired,” said Carole Nelson. “Something is going on with these boys or the example the school is setting.”

Last year, four players participated in the beating of an opossum with a golf club, dousing it with gasoline and setting it afire as the event was videotaped. Now Thomas Shepard is charged with felony animal abuse. Police said the cat was beaten with wooden clubs for 10 to 15 minutes after wandering into Shepard’s house.

Callers criticized Smythe for referring to the dead cat as a “dumb animal.”

“What I meant was that animals can’t talk and they’re not as smart as people,” he said. “I’ve got cats at home. They’re not dumb.”

“It makes us look like psycho wannabes,” said student Nina Allen.

Memo to the Pep Club: no more “Kill the Cats” banners next year, OK?

Low sticking

The Ottawa Senators have never been flushed with success, but this may be as close as they’ll come.

The most inept expansion team in NHL history is actually hovering near the .500 mark this season, and it seems Senators players will go to any length to turn things around. Recently, rookie center Bruce Gardiner was mired in a 14-game goal-less slump when he received some unusual advice from teammate Tom Chorske.

Chorske suggested Gardiner put his hockey stick in the toilet.

“Sometimes you’ve got to get the attention of your stick,” said Chorske. “Sometimes you’ve got to make a point, so you take that stick and put it in the crapper.”

Gardiner couldn’t bring himself to dunking the stick in the toilet, but occasionally he will take it into the bathroom and leave it unattended against a stall. Last Saturday, Gardiner scored late in the third period as Ottawa rallied from a 3-0 deficit to tie Hartford - his fourth goal since he began disciplining his stick.

Just as long as Gardiner doesn’t mistake that little disc in the urinal for the puck.

Mr. November-December

Mike Price, take comfort. For all the complaints about the Washington State coach’s November record, he’s doing great - as long as the measuring stick is Ohio State’s John Cooper.

Counting his 0-2-1 record against Arizona while he coached at Arizona State, Cooper is 1-9-2 against arch rivals. It gets worse: Cooper is 1-6 in bowl games.

The Golden Koala?

After Greg Norman won the Australian Open, he had this to say about Tiger Woods, who was 12 strokes back: “I think he got the flavor of what Australian golf courses are all about and will understand why Australian golfers are so successful.”

No one bothered to point out to the Shark that the course the tournament was played on was designed by that renowned Australian, Jack Nicklaus.

The last word …

“We’re so young, we’ve decided to dress only seven players on the road. We’re pretty confident the other five can dress themselves.”

- Bellarmine College women’s basketball coach Charlie Just, on his team’s inexperience

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo