A Very Barry Christmas
FROM FOR THE RECORD (Wednesday, December 11, 1996): Correction The Slimming Insoles described in Dave Barry’s Christmas gift guide published in the IN Life section on Dec. 2 are not available, according to Tribune Media Services.
Yes, the holiday season is upon us once again. But before you get out your credit card and become part of the desperate grasping holiday mob at the shopping mall, we’d like you to consider a modest proposal: This year, why not celebrate the holidays without gifts?
Think about it! The holidays are not supposed to be about material possessions; the holidays are supposed to be about beliefs, about traditions about people. And the one thing we know for sure about people is, they want material possessions. So our modest proposal was pretty stupid, now that we think about it. You’d better get out that credit card after all.
But before you do, you should take a gander at the amazing array of gift items described over the following pages in our annual Holiday Gift Guide. We have literally scoured the planet in search of unique gift items that are sure to cause the lucky recipients to experience uncontrollable facial tics of delight. The Gift Guide is now in its seventh consecutive year, and during that time it has achieved a loyal international following of leading consumers such as Martha Stewart, Warren Christopher and Queen Elizabeth II of England, none of whom would even think of purchasing a Power Pez Dispenser or artificial dog testicles without first consulting this guide.
Power Pez Dispenser: $5.95 plus shipping and handling from Archie McPhee & Co., P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, WA 98103, phone (206) 745-0711. (e-mail: mcphee@mcphee.com) (World Wide Web: http://www.halcyon.com/ mcphee/)
There can be no argument about the fact that, when we list the greatest inventions of the human race, the top two are:
1. The wheel.
2. Pez.
And not necessarily in that order, either. Yes, the wheel is a useful tool for transportation, but you can’t carry it around in a dispenser and eat it when you need a snack. Whereas you can do this with Pez, the amazing foodlike substance that can be used as either candy or an ingredient for concrete.
The only problem is the effort involved in getting the Pez out of the standard dispenser. You constantly hear people say: “I would enjoy Pez more often, but I cannot be bothered with the chore of manually flipping open the dispenser top.” If you have such a person on your holiday gift list, then you need the Power Pez Dispenser. This is a battery-operated device that automatically rotates the Pez into position and ejects it in a semi-startling way (you have to be ready). This automated action saves the user’s precious time for more important activities such as scratching.
Cow Manure Clock: $40 plus shipping and handling from Donna Minor, 1720 13th Ave. SE, Medicine Hat, Alberta, T1A 3P1; Canada, phone (403) 527-4879.
Sometimes, here at the Holiday Gift Guide Quality Testing Center, we get an item so unique that we can barely stay in the same room with it. That is definitely the case with this item, which is - and we swear we are not making this up - a clock made from cow droppings. And these are not just any cow droppings; these are Canadian cow droppings.
The cow-pie clock is the invention of a Canadian veterinarian, Tom Steele. His sister, Donna Minor, makes a limited number of the clocks each year by hand. According to an article in a newspaper called The Camrose Canadian, these clocks sell like hotcakes and have been featured on Canadian television. Steele is quoted as saying: “It’s not hard to get into a conversation about them with people.”
We bet it’s not. We have found that, when people are near this clock, they soon start talking about it. “What’s that smell?” they say.
Toilet Paper Hat: $19.95 plus shipping and handling from Brainstorms, 8221 Kimball, Skokie, IL 60076-2956, phone (800) 231-6000.
If you’re like most people, you’ve spent much of your life in a fruitless search for a hat that both looks good AND can hold an entire roll of toilet paper.
Well, your search is over, because somebody - and we frankly do not want to know why - has combined a baseball cap and a toilet-paper holder into a uniquely functional headwear concept, one that makes the unmistakable fashion statement: “I have a roll of toilet paper on my head.” A person wearing this hat can stride with confidence into any public restroom or guest bathroom, knowing that he or she is not going to get “caught short.”
This is the hat that leading New York socialites wear to swank restaurants, cocktail parties and the opera. This hat is also worn by all participants in closed-door sessions of the U.S. Supreme Court. And it goes without saying that Ross Perot personally owns several dozen. By giving this hat to a special someone on your list, you are saying, “Here.”
“Love Ewe” Brand Inflatable Love Sheep: $19.95 plus shipping and handling from Mutton Bone, 41 W. Lee Hwy. Suite 59-233, Warrenton, VA 22186, (World Wide Web: http://www.muttonbone.com)
(Suggested by Matt Paust of Gloucester, Va.)
We are not going to beat around the bush: In our opinion, this is the finest inflatable love sheep currently on the market. It measures a full four feet long and features a romantic expression as well as fishnet stockings.
Trust us when we tell you that this tasteful item will make a deep and lasting impression on the person who receives it. The Love Ewe is a perfect gift for that hard-to-please boss or business client, because it truly sends the holiday message: “Baaaaa.”
The Love Ewe makes a great companion and can also serve as a temporary receptionist or Department of Motor Vehicles clerk.
We happen to know for a fact that this is the exact model of inflatable love sheep that Mr. and Mrs. John Kennedy Jr. took on their honeymoon.
Neuticles: $32 (large), from CTI Corporation, P.O. Box 442, Buckner, MO 64016, phone (816) 650-6655.
(Suggested by many alert readers.)
Sometimes we hear about a product that is so unusual we feel compelled to order it just to confirm that it truly does exist. Neuticles are such a product. We swear we are not making them up.
Neuticles are artificial testicles for dogs. The idea is, if you have your dog fixed, the veterinarian can install these, so your dog will feel that he is still as much of a canine stud as he ever was.
According to the literature, Neuticles are “crafted from FDA-approved polyurethane material” and “replicate the canine testicle in size, shape and weight.”
Needless to say, Neuticles are a terrific way to say “Happy Holidays!” to the dog on your gift list. But we think they also make a potentially very useful gift for humans as well. Let’s say you work in an office where a male co-worker regularly comes around to your desk and stands there gabbing, thus preventing you from getting any work done.
Just put a set of Neuticles - we recommend the large size - on your desk, and wait for the co-worker to pick them up and ask what they are. When you answer, your co-worker will - trust us - immediately drop them and walk away. After a few steps, he may even faint.
This item also makes a great conversation-stopper when you’re trying to get guests to leave your party so you can go to bed. Just whip a set of Neuticles out of your pocket, toss them at your guests and say, “Guess what THESE are!”
We can neither confirm nor deny the rumor that the world’s largest privately owned collection of this particular item belongs to Donald Trump.
Larvets: $13.95 (set of 12 packets) plus shipping and handling from Archie McPhee & Co., P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, WA 98103, phone (206) 745-0711. (e-mail: mcphee@mcphee.com), (World Wide Web: http://www.halcyon.com/ mcphee/)
Larvets are actual beetle larvae that you are supposed to eat. They look like little worms, but, boy, are they delicious!
Actually, we have no idea what they taste like. We may not be the smartest people on Earth, but we are not about to voluntarily eat beetle larvae. But somebody must eat them, because you can buy Larvets in little packets, each containing 25 larvae, in three popular flavors: barbecue, cheddar cheese and Mexican spice. (It is not clear whether the flavoring was added, or beetle larvae naturally come in these flavors.)
We think a nice big bowl of Larvets would make a great addition to any holiday party, especially if you can’t get your guests to go home by showing them your Neuticles.
Larvets are also a great gift for the dieter on your gift list, because (1) they’re low in fat and calories, and (2) the dieter on your gift list will take one look at them and be unable to eat for days.
For a fun holiday tradition, you can have the kids leave a glass of milk and a nice plate of Larvets out for Santa. Larvets also offer a tremendous range of prank possibilities for the person who attends a lot of wedding receptions, especially pranks involving those little statues on top of the cake (“Hey! What’s this hanging from the bride?”).
“Instant Gold” Replating Solution: $19.98 plus shipping and handling from Harriet Carter, Dept. 36, North Wales, PA 19455, phone (215) 361-5151.
Here is an easy and quick way to take a piece of dull jewelry and transform it into a piece of dull jewelry covered with a thin layer of stuff that is clearly not gold. As you can see in the actual unretouched photographs on this page, the effect is almost magical. That is why Elizabeth Taylor, to name just one star, goes through thousands of gallons of this product every year.
You men out there will definitely want to buy this gift item for that “special lady” in your life. It’s a way for you to say, “I thought about buying you some actual jewelry, but I decided to give you this replating solution instead, thereby saving me enough money to buy myself those new golf clubs that I know you wanted me to have.”
Trust us when we tell you that she will be “blown away” by this classy gesture on your part. She might even tell her attorney about it.
Slimming Insoles: $19.95 (two pair $29.95) plus shipping and handling from Intermed Laboratories, 433 41st St., Miami Beach, FL 33140, (888) 863-3462.
(Suggested by Blase and Brenda Weisensel of Watertown, Wis.)
What is the secret to losing weight?
If you answered: “Eat less and exercise more,” please do not be offended when we point out that you are an idiot. Because it turns out that the secret to losing weight is - pay close attention here - applying pressure to certain areas of your feet.
Yes. This is called “acupressure,” and it is an ancient art invented 5,000 years ago by the Chinese, who discovered that every organ in the body has a “reflex zone” in the feet, and that by applying pressure to the specific zone associated with the digestive organs, they could get people to mail them actual money in exchange for seemingly worthless pieces of plastic.
That is the scientific theory behind these Slimming Insoles, a “massage insole” developed by Robert Metz, who according to his literature is “a European doctor and nutritionist.” You simply wear these insoles in your shoes, and, shazam, you lose weight, as is scientifically proven by photographs of thin women in Dr. Metz’s sales literature.
When you purchase these insoles, you also get a set of directions in which Dr. Metz recommends that you eat less and exercise more. But we’re sure that the key factor is foot pressure.
Computerized Electronic Cat Litter Box: $199, (Waste Container Refills, 4 for $11), plus shipping and handling from Comtrad Industries, 2820 Waterford Lake Dr., Suite 102, Midlothian, VA 23113, phone (800) 992-2966.
(Suggested by many alert readers.)
Litter-box odor is a very serious national problem. Ever since the Clintons brought Socks to Washington, the White House has been smelling like a Dumpster outside a day-care facility. This is why you so often see the president talking with visiting dignitaries outside, even in January. Many overnight visitors - including Yasser Arafat, who trust us, does not exactly smell like a floral bouquet - insist upon sleeping on the lawn.
What the White House needs - and what you and your cat-owning friends need - is the amazing LitterMaid computerized litter box. To our knowledge, this is the only litter box on the market that has an actual microprocessor “brain.” When the cat goes into the box to “do its business,” the brain senses the cat’s presence and, through the miracle of microcircuitry, activates a powerful catapult, which launches the cat through the window out into the yard, where the cat should have been doing its business in the first place.
No! Just kidding! Please do not deluge us with angry-cat-lover letters! In fact, according to the sales literature, the LitterMaid brain waits until the cat has been gone for several minutes, then activates a motorized sifting comb, which sweeps through the litter, collects what the cat left, and dumps it into a sealed waste container.
Cow Brassiere: $40 plus shipping and handling from Nasco, 901 Janesville Ave., Fort Atkinson, WI 53538-0901, phone (800) 558-9595.
Did you ever see an item for sale that was so unusual that you just had to purchase it? This is one of those items. This is the “Let-Up” brand cow udder supporter, which according to the catalog description “eliminates congestion and caking, which causes broken down udders.” The catalog further states: “With Let-Up, there are no smashed teats, self-sucking, or need of ointment.”
We don’t know about you, but here at the Holiday Gift Guide we happen to believe, as Americans, that this would be a far better nation in which to live if there were less caking, self-sucking and need of ointment.
That is why we think you should seriously consider purchasing the “Let-Up” udder supporter for everybody on your gift list who might have a use for it.
And we do not believe that a person necessarily has to own a cow to benefit from this product. We think the “Let-Up” can also be used as a small hammock, as well as a mechanism for suspending potted plants.
It has all kinds of straps coming out of it, so you could probably also use it as a restraining device, or for practical jokes involving people who have had a “few too many” and fallen asleep in parties or bars. Imagine the fun of watching a friend of yours, late at night, on the street, trying to explain to police officers why he was wearing nothing except an udder supporter! Ha ha!
So you definitely need this item. Please note that, because of the kind of high-class Gift Guide that we are, we managed to get all the way through this product discussion without once mentioning Dolly Parton. Thank you.
Giant Electronic Radar Frog: $29.95 plus shipping and handling from S.A.M. Electronics, 2701 Belmont Ave., Chicago, IL 60618, phone (800) 684-1021.
(Suggested by Judith Haynes of Hudgins, Va., and Bernadette and Tom Price of Mahopac, N.Y.)
Just when you think that modern technology has gone just about as far as it possibly can to benefit the human race, along comes an amazing breakthrough like this. This is a large plastic battery-powered frog that is equipped with a sensor in its mouth. When somebody moves in front of the frog, a speaker in the frog’s stomach says, and this is a direct quote, “Ribbet.”
The most obvious use for this item, of course, is security. Violent criminals are not going to mess around with any building that is protected by a plastic frog. This is why, at the present time, all U.S. nuclear-missile installations are protected by these devices.
But security is only the beginning. The advertisement for the Giant Electronic Radar Frog also states that it can also be used for the following purposes:
“Home Conversation Pet”
“Companion to cats and dogs”
“Deskmate”
“Meeting or Party Delight”
We especially like the idea of using this item as a meeting delight. We are pretty sure that any person who brings a Giant Electronic Radar Frog to a meeting is going to catch the eye of those in authority. This is exactly how Lee Iacocca got started.