Up From Wholly Bad Matrimony

Marriage isn’t always the answer. Sometimes it’s not even the question.

It might be better to settle for a good date now and then than to hang in there with a bad marriage.

Candice: “I was married when I was 16 and a half and two months pregnant. Then at 25, I got pregnant again. Two years later, I got a divorce.

“All those years I was married, I was an abused wife. I was afraid to leave, so I kept putting up with him. I finally moved away to be with my family. My main concern was raising my two kids.

“I barely dated. I was working as a waitress when one day this city guy comes into the restaurant and we started talking. I was talking to him just like any other customer. Then the next few days, he kept coming back and we talked more. Then I went out with him.

“He was so mannerly, I couldn’t believe it. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, helps me on with my jacket or sweater. He doesn’t talk dirty. It’s hard to believe that men like him still exist. My family likes him a lot. He’s a very considerate person. He calls me at work to make sure I made it in OK and didn’t have car trouble. Even the people at the restaurant enjoy talking to him.

“I keep telling him he deserves a Medal of Honor for putting up with me for so long. We have been dating since November 1984. Twelve years. I told him a long time ago how I feel about marriage. He understands. We don’t live with each other. I’ve become very independent and I have no intentions of getting married. He is in no hurry, either.

“We’ve never cheated on each other, after all these years. He’s one of a kind.”

Allen: “My wife and I were married for four years when I found out she’d been having an affair for over a year with a co-worker. Her job took her traveling all over the country while I stayed home, worked a full-time job, cooked, cleaned, did laundry and took care of our two small children. We had a great life, or so I thought.

“We had similar interests, great friends, we got along well with each other’s families and had a wonderful house we designed together. Needless to say, I was floored by her affair, but I thought we could work out the problem. But she walked out of our second counseling session and out of our lives.

“Two years later, she’s on her second boyfriend and lives over 3,000 miles away. I’m still stunned, although the kids are dealing with it well. The other day my son said, ‘Maybe Mom just needs to see the world.’ “Well, I’ve seen the world and I prefer home and family and friends, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love and trust again.”

Beverly: “I fell in love nine years ago. We were happy, but had our ups and downs, like all couples. I always believed in my heart, however, that he loved me as much as I loved him.

“Well, needless to say, we were married and started a family. During the pregnancy, after the birth, during the next pregnancy and the third pregnancy, my husband was constantly out or working. Whenever I would mention it, he would get defensive and say he was doing it for our family. Four years and three children later, my worst nightmare came true.

“We had a major argument and I asked him to leave. He left and told me it was over. I filed for divorce, but still held on to the hope that we would get back together. Then I found out that he cheated on me throughout our marriage. It hurts. What I thought was true love for both of us was one-sided. He has just let me go and is crueler to me than ever.

“Yet stupid me, I still love him.”