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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

It’s Best To Be Big About It

Ann Landers Creators Syndicate

Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I just celebrated our second anniversary. We both were married before - “Herman” for 43 years and I for 32 years. Herman’s wife and my husband passed away the same month.

Before Herman and I married, we put a memorial notice in the daily paper on the anniversary of our deceased spouses’ deaths. We did the same on their birthdays. After we married, we decided it would be appropriate if our children took over and did this in remembrance of their parents. Herman has three grown children, and I have four.

This year, Herman told his children to put the notice in the paper and he would pay for it. I had no problem with that. I did, however, have a problem with the wording of the memorial. It read: “We love you and miss you.” It was signed with the names of his children and “your husband, Herman.”

When I saw that notice in the paper, it was like a knife in my heart. What am I, his mistress? What might our friends think when they read this? “Poor Herman. He still loves and misses his first wife. Too bad he’s stuck with the new one.”

A second spouse knows there will always be memories, good, bad, happy and sad, from a previous marriage. That is to be expected. But is it proper for the husband’s name to appear on such a memorial when he has remarried? - Offended in Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvani

A: A memorial is always appropriate, whether the man has remarried or not. If the wording offended you, suggest to Herman that he compose his own notice next year and not leave it to his children. Meanwhile, don’t be too upset by this. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume no harm was intended.

Dear Ann Landers: A friend of mine from high school has kept in touch with me through Christmas cards and yearly phone calls. “Ellen” and I are not as close as we once were, but I do enjoy hearing from her.

Recently, Ellen moved back to town and is getting married for the third time. She is rushing into this marriage as quickly as she did her last one, I’m sorry to say. Nevertheless, the reception is going to be large and lavish.

Here is my question: Do we give her yet another wedding gift? This is starting to seem a bit tacky. My husband and I do plan to attend the wedding to show our support for Ellen, but we don’t know if we should send a gift or just a card. Please advise. - Unsure in the West

Dear Unsure: These days, second and third marriages are not all that unusual, but the old rules still apply. If you attend the festivities, you send a gift. Since this is the third one, however, it’s perfectly proper that the gift be somewhat modest - but do send something.

Dear Ann Landers: I was surprised how the enclosed item, written in 1604, is relevant even today. Please print it in your column. Here it is: “A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black stinking fume thereof, nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless.” - King James I, 1604, “A Counterblast to Tobacco”

Right on, isn’t it? - Toronto Fan

Dear Toronto: That was almost 400 years ago, and people are still puffing away and killing themselves. The teenage market is the prime target. The tobacco marketers know that if they get ‘em young, they’ll be hooked for good. Sad.