Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

The satellite picture shows nothing but ‘snow’

The National Weather Service said all weather forecasts for the Northwest have been canceled. The satellite is snowed in.

A moment of sympathy for Newt, in all sincerity

No matter what you think of Newt Gingrich, no matter what ethical lapses he committed, you can’t help but feel sympathy for him right now as a human being. What? Oh, get off my back. It was a joke, okay?

Clinton’s problems, in brief

Clinton has his own ethical problems to worry about, but much more complicated. As near as I can figure out, some Indonesians went in with the Clintons on a failed Arkansas land scheme causing the White House to issue 294 invitations last year alone to a Thai business “hostess” named Paula Jones. Like I said, it’s complicated.

Another setback for R.J. Reynolds

The population of the United States increased by 2.3 million this year, despite all of the efforts of the tobacco industry.

Emergency measures necessary to ensure adequate supply

Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced the takeover of the country’s liquor industry this week. Not a government takeover; Yeltsin personally is taking it over.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.