These Read Like I-Way Road Kill

Dear Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought you might want to share it with your readers.

Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.

It’s a . Eats anything and is fond of children.

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: Six room hated apartment.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Dear Ann Landers: I met “Earl” when we were in kindergarten. We grew up and went our separate ways. We each married other people and raised large families. My husband passed away in 1991, and Earl’s wife died four years ago.

I met Earl again in a senior center in Florida. We are both 80 years old now and in good health. We enjoy one another’s company a great deal, have many mutual interests and have decided we would like to be married. Both his family and mine are very supportive and think it’s a wonderful idea.

Here’s the problem: If I marry Earl, I would forfeit not only a pension but all the health benefits my wonderful husband set up for me with a great deal of sacrifice on his part. Earl and I want to spend our last years together, but we don’t know how to get around the financial problems.

We are not the type of people who can just live together. Is there a clergyperson somewhere who would perform a meaningful ceremony to add sanctity and dignity to our union without involving the state? Please respond in the paper and don’t print my name. Thank you. - Florida Jill

Dear Jill: The clergy are sometimes asked to respond to unusual situations, and yours is certainly one. Most members of the clergy honor the age-old tradition of offering prayers and blessings for specific occasions, irrespective of the circumstances. Hopefully, your pastor will accommodate you. I send my very best wishes and hope you and Earl have many happy, healthy years together.

Gem of the Day: “The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in somebody else’s.” - Goodman Ace

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