They Get What They Deserve: A Budnick

A roaming lion. Plummeting geese. A giant carrot….

In other words, 1996 was a very Budnick kind of year and it’s time again to bestow my annual dubious achievement awards on our ever-growing bumper crop of bozos.

The awards, which began in 1987, are named after Thomas P. Budnick. The Massachusetts man fell into a swoon over this area when he discovered Spokane County was the only county in the nation wacky enough to file his mining claims for the planet Mars.

But before we pay light-hearted homage to the daffy spirit of Tom Budnick we must say vaya con carne to two old amigos.

We lost Steve Hasson and Chris “Crybaby” Anderson - the only two members of the Budnick Hall of Shame.

Hasson, who left a legacy of lunacy - from midnight Sam’s Pit cornbread runs to eluding reporters through his Courthouse window - was dumped by the voters after two guffaw-filled terms as a Spokane County commissioner.

Anderson, a Spokane Surly Councilman, left his public post to take a job as a gofer on a movie set. He showed boundless gall by cashing his taxpayer-paid paychecks even though he missed months of council meetings.

Anderson finally disappeared, hopefully for good. Unlike good-hearted Hasson, no one will get weepy missing this guy.

And so, without further ceremony, I give you the 1996 Budnick Awards:

Michael Ortiz Show is a riot

Michael Ortiz, 18, celebrates last New Year’s Eve guzzling tequila and wreaking $10,000 in havoc on a Pullman diner. Unaware he’s being filmed on security video cameras, Ortiz smashes plates, storage racks, tables, lights, cash registers, glasses….

Somebody’s lion about this one

Dubious reports of a wandering, 500-pound African lion send the city of Spokane into a frenzied, five-day big game hunt. “Here kitty-kitty-kitty!” coaxes a lion-hunting sheriff’s deputy through his bullhorn.

Politics make strange bedfellows

Kerry Lynch, Spokane Mayor Jack Geraghty’s girlfriend and former underling at his public relations firm, is hired to mount a media blitz against the strong-mayor proposition - which the mayor also happens to strongly oppose. “She is in business for herself,” says Geraghty, denying any conflict of interest. “… I’m not part of it.”

Dumb driver nominee No. One:

Spokane police arrest convicted car thief Sean M. Driver, 19, after he leads them on their third high-speed chase in two days.

Only YOU can prevent cross fires

Justin F. Dwyer, a former Aryan Nations leader for Washington who once recruited neo-Nazi skinheads, lands a job as a seasonal National Park Service ranger at Fort Spokane with the same arrest powers as an FBI agent.

Ol’ Dex gets us coming and going

Taxpayers must pay the growing legal bills of Dexter Amend - Spokane County’s rude, crude and oft-sued coroner who allegedly once quizzed grieving family members on the sexual habits of an 11-year-old fire victim.

A future filled with park rangers

Floyd Kimble, a rich Ohio man, bankrolls a whites-only sperm bank in downtown Spokane.

Dumb driver nominee No. 2:

Used-car salesman Robert S. Burns, 29, is cited for drunken driving when he pulls into the Washington State Patrol headquarters for a vehicle inspection. Burns has double the legal blood-alcohol level and a beer-filled sipper on his lap. “They say alcohol impairs your judgment…,” says WSP Sgt. Chris Powell.

We all get the shaft on this

Taxpayers could spend more than $300,000 in federal disaster-relief money to repair flood damage at two Spokane golf courses.

Help, I need somebody. HELP!

Spike, the Spokane police dog who was re-trained last year after biting a citizen, is placed on administrative leave after attacking two pedestrians who are singing Beatles tunes. “The police said, ‘He wouldn’t have bit you if you’d been singing Garth Brooks songs,”’ recalls bite victim Greg Smith.

Hepth, I neeth thum-body. HEPTH!!

On a dare from his girlfriend, a sixth-grader sticks his tongue to a frosty Cheney Middle School flagpole. “He learned the biggest lesson he could,” says Principal Ron VanHorne, who liberated the lad’s tongue by applying warm water.

Boil this tofu-fool in beef stew

Vegetarian extremists attempt to invade two Spokane elementary schools by sending an activist in a 7-foot carrot suit who tells kids to: “Eat your veggies, not your friends.”

New hymn: Bringin’ in the Leaves

Northwest Christian High School girls’ basketball coach Jack Clayburn quits after feds seize 300 marijuana plants growing in his barn. “He related very well with the kids,” says Lew Button, Clayburn’s boss.

That’s why they call it dope

Coeur d’Alene resident Harlan Collinsworth is cited for possession of drug paraphernalia when he calls police to report the theft of his bong and film cannister full of marijuana.

Better check Hugh’s handwriting

Finding a dirty word scrawled on a table, student teacher Rhonda Rodrigues has 25 Holmes Elementary fourth-graders write the vulgar synonym so she can compare handwriting and catch the culprit. “There is no two ways about it,” says Spokane School District 81 spokesman Hugh Davis, “the student teacher screwed up.”

What about bats in her belfry?

Spokane lion hunters investigate a mysterious noseprint on a window in the home of a very nervous elderly woman. Animal control officer Bob Smoldt licks his finger and wipes off the smudge - from inside the house. “I’m not an expert on nose prints,” he says, “but we do know the lion definitely did not get inside her house.”

Dumb driver nominee No. 3:

Spokane police arrest Greg Michael Sanborn, 28, for stealing a van and causing seven hit-and-run accidents.

We’re waiting for urine test

The droopy-eyed, giant papier-mache Polynesian boy sitting atop the Spokane’s Lilac Parade float only looks hammered. Image-conscious parade officials swear the lad is NOT sipping any imaginary alcoholic beverages from his flower-adorned coconut shell even though Don Ho’s “Tiny Bubbles” is blaring in the background.

Sobriety would make a difference?

Washington legislators who finish their last day of law-making in Olympia with a wild, boozy statehouse blow-out. “What I want to get rid of is any public drinking by legislators while they’re still voting,” says Rep. Mark Sterk, R-Spokane.

Duck! Duck! The sky is fowling!

Moses Lake drivers swerve to miss geese being blasted out of the skies over Interstate-90 by bird-brained hunters. “It’s just a matter of time until a goose falls through a windshield,” warns Undersheriff Mike Shay.

An act worthy of a legislator

Veronica Compton, the Hillside Strangler’s former girlfriend, is sent back to prison after answering her door in the nude and painting pornographic murals during her short-lived parole in Cheney.

Dumb driver Nominee No. 4:

Police arrest Richard Smith, 37, for drunk driving after a Spokane County Sheriff’s deputy loses control of his car during a chase with a motorcycle and accidently clobbers Smith’s Toyota. Washington State Patrol investigators arrive and smell alcohol on Smith’s breath. “The guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” laments a sheriff’s spokesman.

Like Butthead Kurpuisville?

Self-described patriot Ron Kurpuis registers the name, “City of Wenatchee,” and then threatens to fine Wenatchee officials $10,000 a day if they don’t come up with a new name for their city.

I’m (bleeping) sorry, you (bleeps)

Spokane Police Chief Terry Mangan, who once suspended himself for cussing out a young motorist who flipped him off, is docked four days’ pay for cussing out a couple of strangers parked outside his home while waving his shotgun at them.

A mime is a terrible thing to waste

The manager of Spokane’s ritzy Patsy Clark’s restaurant is embarrassed by an out-of-control mime who swaps plates among tables and wraps terry cloth shorts around the necks of horrified diners.

Give us the Michael Ortiz Show

TV-watching fans go ballistic when a 12th-inning Seattle Mariners cliffhanger abruptly changes to the NASA channel. The game is over by the time a Cox Cable technician realizes the blunder and switches back.

Spare the teeth, spoil the liver

The Gutter Guys, employees of a rain gutter and roofing business, are kicked out of Coeur d’Alene’s Fourth of July parade for tossing sweets to kids. Representatives of a local brewery, however, are allowed to give free beer coupons to adults.

And the dumbest Driver is…

Spokane’s Sean M. Driver escapes from a Work Ethic Camp in a Ford van when a witless McNeil Island corrections officer hands the car thief the keys and asks him to fetch something from the vehicle.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 5 Photos (2 Color)