‘My Husband Treats Me Like A Little Girl’
“I’m perfectly miserable, and though I know there is no reason for me to feel this way, I can’t help it,” sobs Jane, 26. “I have a wonderful husband, a darling baby and a lovely home. But ever since we relocated to the Southwest - leaving behind my very close family and friends - I’ve been tearful and anxious.”
To make matters worse, the move was Jane’s idea. “When Alan was offered the vice presidency of a small, prestigious bank in Albuquerque, he was reluctant to take it. I was the one who urged him to accept. I’d begun to feel restless - and down on myself for being a grown woman with a new baby who was still so dependent on my parents and sisters for everything.”
Jane saw the move as an exciting and important step in her personal emancipation - she’s never been very directed, dropping out of college and hopping from one job to another until she married. Now, she’s distraught that, in her words, “I’m still such a mess. More than anything, I’d like to find something that interests me, but instead I feel stuck and weepy all the time.”
“I try to fill my life with Alan, but he doesn’t feel the same need to be with me. He’ll schedule a business trip or tell me at the last minute that he’s playing golf with a colleague. I literally start shaking. Ever since we met six years ago, he was always there to listen and support me. How can he desert me now when he knows that I feel so desperately alone?” she wonders.
In fact, instead of listening to her talk out how she might change her life, Alan issues orders. “He tells me one-two-three what I should do, then ends the discussion. He treats me like a child,” she insists.
Alan, 29, is baffled by his wife’s unhappiness. “I never wanted to leave Minnesota,” he says. “I felt as close to Jane’s parents as she did - they became the family I never had.”
Though he’s long known that Jane is insecure and lacks confidence, he knew the moment he met her that she was the woman for him. “Jane is sweet, open and smart. But she doesn’t use her brain. I think it’s high time she got a grip on her emotionalism,” he adds.
Such emotion is something the ever-logical Alan can’t fathom. He’s particularly upset about his wife’s insistence on focusing only on the negative aspects of life. “We have a great future here, but Jane always sees the down side. She has to grow up - and that’s something I can’t do for her.”
He deeply resents being labeled insensitive and unconcerned because he refuses to be at her beck and call. “Jane calls me out of important meetings because she’s feeling sad,” he explains. “And she expects me to fill every gap in her life. I love her, but if I make a golf date with a colleague, I’m met with a flood of tears. I can’t handle her ridiculous behavior.”
Battling negativity
“Chronic negativity, which Jane has experienced her whole life, can be crippling,” notes Sarah T. Smith, M.A., an Albuquerque, N.M., marriage therapist. It can render a person incapable of making even the smallest decision, paralyzing growth and shattering confidence. If you, like Jane, find yourself trapped by a consistently negative outlook on your life and prospects, consider these points, which helped Jane jump-start her life:
1. Figure out what’s holding you back. Jane’s close-knit family was indeed a blessing, but because someone was always there to pick her up when she stumbled, Jane hadn’t learned to rely on herself. Her sense of self-worth and her confidence were stunted. Over time, she fell into a chronic depression, which was helped once she made an appointment with her physician who prescribed a new antidepressant medication.
2. Exercise. Though you may not see the connection, regular exercise is important to mental as well as physical health. Your spirits will lift and you’ll have more energy to motivate yourself.
3. Silence your inner critic. It helped Jane to keep a journal of the positive things in her life.
4. Focus on a small goal. Jane had long picked up projects only to drop them half finished. When a neighbor asked her to become involved in a playground cleanup campaign, Jane joined in and found her enthusiasm for the project growing. Once it was accomplished, she went on to form a committee of mothers also interested in refurbishing and developing other children’s facilities.