Skirting The Clutches Of History

A cold wind and new breeze blew on Inauguration Day 1997. Even a capital accustomed to making history was giddy at turning this astonishing page of history.

Dignified in a blue suit and cashmere overcoat, dark hair gleaming, President-elect Dole stood on the flag-draped West Front of the Capitol and took the oath of office.

But all eyes, and all cameras, were fixed on the new first spouse, who was holding the family Bible under the president-elect’s left hand - and whose expression, in close-up, looked suspiciously like … a scowl.

Tom Brokaw and Katie Couric were watching from the nearby NBC anchor booth.

“I don’t know, Katie, that looks a lot like the old, mean Bob Dole to me.”

“Yes, Tom, and that’s a very unflattering hat the First Spouse is wearing.”

After a lifetime of public service, after decades of watching his presidential dream get snatched away by nobodies and preppies and preppienobodies, Bob Dole had finally made it to the White House.

Unfortunately, it was the East Wing.

Just when he thought he had suffered the last nightmarish blow of fate, there was one more. He was the first man ever to be first lady.

After Steve Forbes won New Hampshire, the party gave up on Dole. Then the race bottomed out. Pat Buchanan was revealed to be an illegal alien. Lamar Alexander was caught taking a limo to put up his “Lamar Walked Here” signs. On Jude Wanniski’s advice, Forbes modified his proposal to include a fat tax. All Americans below 162 pounds would get their tax rate cut. Rush Limbaugh blasted it and Ted Koppel intoned: “You can be too rich and too thin.”

Republican leaders held an emergency meeting. “We need some fresh blood,” one chieftain said.

“Worse than that,” said another, “we need the Red Cross.”

Suddenly they saw it, a harmonic convergence unprecedented in American politics. Of course: the Red Cross! But would she do it? And would he let her?

The attractive candidate from North Carolina with charm, steel, a Harvard law degree and a resume of public- and private-sector accomplishments swept into the San Diego Convention and was nominated by acclamation. Since his wife had stepped down from her big job to help him on the trail, Dole could hardly refuse to resign his Senate seat to help her.

Elizabeth Dole beat the Clintons with the campaign slogan “One For The Price Of One.”

After the inaugural parade - “Liddy, Liddy, looking pretty!” the crowd chanted - the Doles settled into the White House. The president decided to broach the sensitive subject of her husband’s role.

“Cupcake,” she said sweetly. “Have you decided on a project?”

“Agh!” Cupcake replied. “Bob Dole just says no. Bob Dole was willing to be another Ronnie, but not another Nancy. How ‘bout substance? Lotta things Bob Dole could do, help make deals on the Hill.”

“Now, Bob, you know the first spouse can’t do policy anymore, not after Hillary. Besides, Vice President Gingrich is going to be very active in my administration, and you two don’t get along.”

“Stop lying about my record!”

“Maybe you could do some traditional stuff, just at first.”

“Bob Dole does not have lunch with gossip columnists. Bob Dole does not help Martha Stewart make Christmas wreaths out of old Dr. Scholl’s pads. Bob Dole believes that this country is ready for a strong professional man.”

“Yes, and you should tell them so, sweetheart. Why don’t you phone that nice man from Random House who keeps calling, asking you to write ‘It Takes a Back Room’?”

“Jiminy, ‘Lizabeth, Bob Dole said you could keep a job outside the White House if I won. So why does Bob Dole have to sit around all day?”

“Remember, Cupcake, conflict of interest. The press already complains that I benefited financially from your pals. I won’t allow any pink press conferences for my man.”

“Gaghhd!”

“You are fixin’ to be the grumpiest First So-and-So who ever lived, Bob. Why don’t you go tell the chef about your famous one-ingredient dinners, boiled hot dogs, single-can tuna? Maybe you could work out a menu for our first state dinner. We could invite Treasury Secretary Forbes, Secretary of Culture Wars Buchanan, majority leader Gramm …”

“Agghhh!”