This Strategy Rates Simply Presidential

Today, I am announcing my candidacy for the New Hampshire primary. My one and only platform is: the National Lotto Tax.

This single issue should be sufficient to sweep me into contention, just the way the national flat tax swept Steve Forbes into contention for upwards of five minutes.

My candidacy will be more enduring than his, because my National Lotto Tax is, quite simply, a better idea.

Campaign slogan: A Lotto Fun And Deficit Reduction, Too!

Here’s how it will work:

First, I will scrap the federal income tax. Please, hold your applause. Then, I will ask everybody to pay what they feel is right. I want them to consult their own consciences and pay accordingly.

As an astute student of human nature, I realize that some people might take advantage of this by paying nothing. Or maybe they will pay 35 cents, thinking the government deserves only a tip.

But they will suffer for this in the National Lotto Tax, because they will be giving themselves virtually no chance to win the weekly White House lottery drawing. As president, one of my most sacred duties each week will be to reach into that big wire basket and pick out the week’s lucky …

I’m sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I need to explain the details: The National Lotto Tax is what we in the field of economics call a progressive graduated tax (“numbers game”). If you choose to pay your fair share of taxes, then you will assure yourself of the standard odds of winning the lotto, which I would estimate at about a billion to one.

Those odds shouldn’t daunt people at all.

“You can’t win if you don’t play,” people will say as they pay their taxes cheerfully.

In addition, the adventurous taxpayer can choose to jigger the odds in his/her favor merely by paying a little extra. For instance, you can double your chances of winning merely by throwing a thousand or so extra dollars into my special deficit reduction fund.

You would be surprised. People will do almost anything if they think it improves their odds of winning a lottery. Just look at that Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. No matter how many times you tell people they don’t have to subscribe to a magazine to win, most people still say to themselves, “Right, but just to be on the safe side, I’m ordering a subscription to Karaoke Today.”

Now, on the other hand, we will need to institute a penalty for those who choose not to pay their fair share of taxes. Those people will have no chance to win the lottery. Furthermore, if their names are drawn, they will have to pay the government $1 million. If they can’t afford it, all of their relatives will have to pitch in.

Some people, of iron nerves, might decide they are willing to endure this weekly prospect of ruin. But most people, I think, will figure that it’s not worth the anxiety. They’ll pay their share of taxes, just so they can watch the weekly presidential drawing with a feeling of hope instead of fear.

Campaign slogan: “I’m Selling Hope.”

Meanwhile, we will aggressively market the lotto to the nation’s wealthiest individuals. We’ll have a punchcard system for Frequent Taxpayers. For every $1 million in taxes they pay, they will get one punch of their Frequent Taxpayer card. When they get 10 punches, they will automatically win a free $1 million lottery payout.

They go home happy, and we, the people of the USA, have cleared an easy $9 million.

As for the argument that wealthy people won’t even play the lottery - that’s ridiculous. How do you think they got so wealthy in the first place? By passing up a foolproof chance to win the lottery? I doubt it.

As chief executive, it will be my privilege to choose several lucky lottery winners every week. The TV audiences will be huge; I might even take the opportunity to deliver a brief State of the Union address while I pick the winners.

The treasury will have to dole out (pardon the expression) a few million bucks a week, but this is nothing compared to the big bucks we’ll be raking in.

And the best thing is, this money will be freely given, by a free people, in the hopes of winning economic freedom for life.

Foolproof campaign slogan: Free money! Free money! Free money!

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.