Angry Kids Talk Before They Think

I was looking through my library of columns recently and came across one from The Charlotte Observer headlined, “When kids say ‘I hate you!’ they don’t really mean it.” (For you readers who insist otherwise, columnists are at the mercy of editors when it comes to such things.) That didn’t sound right, so I re-read the column. Sure enough, I never said anything of the sort. My exact words were, “Children say these sorts of things without thinking them through.”

In fact, when a youngster says “I hate you!” to a parent, it’s a sure bet the child does mean exactly that. No, the child hasn’t thought it through, but he means it nonetheless. In this regard, it’s important for parents to understand several things:

First, children don’t generally experience emotions in moderation. If a parent makes a decision a child doesn’t like, the child isn’t going to say he’s “annoyed” or “disappointed.” He’s likely to act like the world is coming to an end. He’ll wail piteously, like he’s been mortally wounded, or he’ll stomp his feet and scream he hates you, or both. In the case of the latter, he really means it, for the moment at least.

Second, these episodes of really and truly hating one’s parents don’t last long because within hours, a couple of days at most, the child in question must come back to the parents and ask them for something else. And in order to elevate the likelihood that they will look favorably upon his request, he must pretend to like them again. Such is the roller-coaster ride that is parenthood.

Third, anytime a child screams that you’ve been unfair or that he hates you, it simply means you’ve just done the right thing and should keep doing it. You’re mean? To a child, a parent is “mean” when the child discovers that the parent truly does mean what she says. Parents who never hear such slander about themselves are probably working too hard to keep their children happy.

Lastly, none of this is to be taken seriously. “I hate you!” in all of its manifestations is nothing more than an example of the foolishness inherent to children, as spoken of in Proverbs 22:15. Such outbursts don’t merit feeling anxiety, guilt or anger. They are laughable, although I am not recommending that one actually laugh.

The most appropriate, honest, respectful, accepting, authoritative and loving response one can give a child when the child tells you he hates you is, “I understand. If I were you, I’d hate me right now, too.” Then walk away, leaving the child to stew in his or her own juices.

Talking to the child about how he really doesn’t hate you, that hate is a serious thing to say to someone and shouldn’t therefore, ever be said in haste, and that he may be angry with you but he doesn’t hate you, not really, and even if he does, you still love him, no matter what, is completely, totally, ridiculously unnecessary. That sort of heartfelt response, although certainly sincere, only adds fuel to the fire.

Anger, as in “You’re not going to talk to me like that, you filthy-mouthed little brat! You’re going to show me the respect I deserve or I’ll beat the living daylights out of you!” is more childish than “I hate you!” Besides, one cannot demand respect. One can only command it, and one does not effectively command by coming apart at the seams and screaming.

Yes, when a child says he hates you, he most certainly does mean it. The question becomes: So what?

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond Charlotte Observer