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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

‘No Pain, No Gain’ Gets New Meaning

Maureen Dowd New York Times

Carole Lombard said it best: “I live by a man’s code, designed to fit a man’s world, yet at the same time I never forget that a woman’s first job is to choose the right shade of lipstick.”

Professional strides have not made women less concerned about their looks.

A study at Old Dominion University found women of all ages growing more insecure about appearance. Nearly half reported dissatisfaction with weight, muscle tone, hips, buttocks, thighs, legs, waist and stomach, and a quarter were unhappy with their chests, shoulders and arms.

So you can understand my delight, during this bloated season of recriminations and resolutions, to discover that men are getting just as vain as women. The baby-boomer boys are even coming around to the notion that beauty requires suffering. (Their own suffering.)

Every woman who has ever wished that a man could know how it felt to be burdened with high heels, garters and control tops can now take heart. Sick of Stairmasters and intent on keeping hourglass figures after 40, the lads are buying girdles.

The Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue offers Slenderizing Manshape Undergarments, “specially designed to slim your shape and help clothes fit more smoothly”; 3,314 support tank tops have been sold since fall.

“A lot of guys say, ‘Oh, I just need it for my reunion,’ and then they get six of them,” said an amused store employee.

Nancy Ganz, who revived corsets and girdles (rechristened Bodyslimmers) for women five years ago, is debuting the Man Undercover Collection in March on QVC. The New York designer set about “reconfiguring the male anatomy,” in response to requests from men.

The collection features a Man Band and tank top to strap in love handles and beer bellies, and a Butt Booster to lift and enhance, as they say in the fine-washables business.

“At first I thought it was only transvestites interested,” Ganz told People. “But then I realized all men sometimes need a confidence boost.”

Or other kinds of boosts.

A staff member at Men’s Health magazine tried out the Super Shaper Briefs advertised in the back of men’s magazines - Lycra spandex underwear with special padding designed to give a firm, muscular look. The staffer disliked having a Marilyn Monroe wiggle when he walked, but on the positive side, noted, “I could ride my mountain bike forever wearing these.”

Michael Lafavore, the 43-year-old editor of Men’s Health, said: “Men have probably always been vain - you see those pictures of guys in the ‘30s and ‘40s with bad comb-overs. But baby boomers have taken it to a new level. They are convinced that they don’t have to age.”

Men’s Health has doubled its circulation every year for the last three years, and issues sell best if there’s some variation of the cover line “Lose Your Gut For Good!”

The editor said that men now accounted for a big chunk of the plastic-surgery business, and that calf and bicep implants and silicone pecs were in vogue.

“Men have always been much more forgiving of their bodies than women have,” he said. “But we’re not immune to messages we get from advertising and the movies. We see Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis pumped up and lean. Our eyes have been opened that maybe women don’t really mean it when they say, ‘Honey, I love your love handles.’ Maybe women really like beefcake.”

Abstract discussion was not enough. I wanted to see some male pain. I made four of my friends struggle into the Man Undercover tourniquets, to see how much they were willing to suffer for a sleeker silhouette.

“I feel like Burt Lancaster in one of his later movies,” moaned Andy.

“I’m going to faint,” cried Tim.

“This is why we invented suits, so we can look good with no effort whatsoever,” complained Carl.

“I would only wear a girdle on the first date,” pouted Mike. “Then I’d want the woman to like me as I am. Look! It left marks!”

The poor dears. They’re worried about marks. Now we’ll teach them about soft lighting.

xxxx