‘I Had An Affair With The Man Next Door’

“I still can’t believe that Rob found those letters,” sobs Marilyn, 31, her voice cracking as she spoke of the love letters written to her by Kevin, the young man who lives next door. Marilyn is confused and ashamed but can’t forget the tender caresses and hours of passionate lovemaking she and Kevin shared while Rob, her husband of 12 years and father of her three children, was at work. “When I’m with Kevin, I feel that someone is finally paying attention to me, that I count,” she says.

In fact, Marilyn can’t remember the last time she really felt good about herself: Her very strict parents always ignored her accomplishments in favor of her older brother’s, so she learned to be the good little girl who never raised her voice and rarely asserted herself. Her bossy in-laws criticize everything about her. Her husband’s friends and their wives look down on her because she never went to college. Even Rob must agree, she thinks, since he never defends her.

Not surprisingly, their sex life, which used to be terrific, has come to a virtual halt.

Marilyn never imagined her one-night stand would lead to a serious affair, but it did. Now she’s wracked with guilt. She loves her husband and kids but says she also loves Kevin.

Rob, 34, a commercial real estate salesman, is devastated and bewildered. “How could she do this? Am I not good enough for her?” he asks, his face reddening with rage. If Marilyn was so unhappy, Rob adds, why didn’t she talk to him about it?

Rob doesn’t think Marilyn’s life is so terrible - as far as he’s concerned, they’re living the American dream, with a beautiful house in the suburbs and three terrific kids. He’s convinced his wife has always been insecure and super sensitive. “So maybe my parents are obnoxious and intrusive at times,” he admits, “but it’s not true that I don’t back her up.” He attributes others’ comments to Marilyn’s own sense of inferiority. “Many of those women work, but I don’t recall anyone making fun of her because she was just a mother,” he insists.

This bombshell has rattled Rob’s usually calm facade. “How could she do this to me, to our kids?” he asks. “Didn’t she think about anyone besides herself?

Are you an approval junkie?

“Many women like Marilyn grow up never learning to assert their own feelings and needs,” says Evelyn Firestone Moschetta, a New York marriage and family therapist. Raised in a traditional home where women were not taken seriously, Marilyn grew up believing that her role was to please her husband. Like many desperate for others’ approval, Marilyn swallowed her feelings. So, confrontation of any kind overwhelms her.

However, though Marilyn was deeply ashamed of her actions, she also felt justified. The affair was her way of saying, “I’ve done things your way for a long time. Now I want to take control of my own life, so pay attention!”

Kevin’s adoration also gave her a much-needed ego boost. When Marilyn realized she had every right to expect her husband to be there for her, but that having an affair was the wrong way to make her point, she began to search for other ways to build her self-esteem. She told Rob she planned to go to college and work toward a degree in sociology. Soon her confidence grew.

These points helped Marilyn handle other people effectively and will help you, too:

1. Stop thinking confrontation means combat. Think of it as a forum to express your needs.

2. Focus your message so you don’t get flustered. If you have time before you confront someone, take a few minutes to compose your thoughts succinctly - write them down if it helps - so you don’t ramble. Do some deep-breathing exercises and practice what you want to say in front of a mirror. Make a mental image of how you will calmly state your feelings and what you want changed. Stand up straight and make eye contact when you speak.

3. If the person you’re trying to confront flips the conversation around and attacks or blames you, resist the temptation to sling back a rapid-fire rejoinder. Hold on to your feelings and thoughts while you calmly listen to what he says. Then rephrase his comments in a neutral voice. This keeps the conversation from escalating into a fight and slows the pace so you don’t get tongue-tied.

4. Reflect on how you handled yourself. Did you get your point across? What worked? What didn’t? Realize that standing up for yourself is a skill that takes time to develop.