Boys Will Be Boys Picking Dallas Like Picking A Scab

This pains me.

And I know pain.

I once played a football game with two broken bones, a dislocated joint and a cold sore that darn near stuck out past my facemask.

I have passed enough kidney stones to pave your driveway.

I was actually in the same room when my wife had two babies. And I’m here to tell you, brother, that all that bending down to wipe her brow and feed her ice chips was absolute hell on my back.

But it is with equivalent anguish that I must join the majority of fans and Vegas thumb-breakers and predict a one-sided Cowboys victory in this weekend’s Super Bowl.

Believe me, if I could have won the Be Paul Tagliabue For a Day Contest, I’d have pulled the plug on the Jerry-and-Barry show toot-sweet.

I’d have reminded them after they beat Green Bay in the NFC title game that the league had a deal with Coke, but they made their own with Pepsi, and the league had its own shoe contracts, but they struck out on their own with Nike.

So, guys, if you don’t want to go along with the league, fine, but we’ve got the Super Bowl and you’re not invited to play.

I might have added a neener or two for emphasis.

How much will Pepsi and Nike pay you now that your exposure is limited to intrasquad scrimmages?

The league missed its chance, though. And now that it’s too late, we’ll look into the near future and see what will happen on Sunday.

As a famous oracular moose once chanted, “Eenie-meenie, chili-beanie, the spirits are about to speak.”

Are they friendly spirits?

No, they’re swaggering and are as arrogant as a team can be, but here’s why they’ll win.

They cheat.

The Cowboys are notorious cheaters.

Against Green Bay, a flagrant pick by Jay Novacek set up one big reception, and Erik Williams’ repeated illegal blocking helped neutralize the Packers’ defense.

They are merely capitalizing on the knowledge that officials are strictly ornamental in playoff games. Their hankies are used for nasal maintenance exclusively.

So, short of choking them with their own whistlelanyard, these guys will put up with anything.

Their coach is dumb.

No team has ever come into a Super Bowl flat or uninspired.

But many teams have been so overcome by their own intensity that they’ve been unable to effectively compete.

Steelers coach Bill Cowher is one of the best of a young breed, and his personal fire was crucial through Pittsburgh’s late-season and playoff surge.

He’s clearly the best head coach on the field.

But come Sunday, this bunch in black and gold will be strung so tight they won’t know if their quarterback is Neil O’Donnell or Rosie O’Donnell.

Cowher will only fuel that fervor and it will be counter-productive.

Dallas, in contrast, has a coach that said this week that he was looking forward to playing in the Orange Bowl.

Surely, his players must laugh at such ridiculous utterances. That keeps them loose.

This means, of course, that the Cowboys will do great unless that Sooner Schooner races onto the field again and costs them a 15-yard penalty.

They’re fatter.

Everybody talks about how these games are won by big-play guys.

Tripe.

These games are won by the team that has the best lines.

The Cowboys’ offensive line averages something like 495 pounds a man and may be the most powerful in the history of the league.

When these five guys go in the ocean together, coastal flooding is inevitable.

Pittsburgh’s 3-4 alignment, inherently a weak run-stop scheme despite the Steelers’ high ranking in that category, will be unable to hold back the tide.

They’re lazy.

Did anybody else get the feeling that the Cowboys haven’t really started playing hard until recently?

In many ways, it seems as if they’ve just kind of toyed with opponents, and only now are they ready to crank up the amperage.

This is what makes all statistics coming into the game irrelevant. Nothing before this counts; they were just cruisin’.

They abuse substances.

At least defensive tackle Leon Lett did.

Whatever substance he was abusing that caused a four-game suspension earlier this year, it left him extremely cranky.

Since his return, the 6-foot-6, 288-pound defensive tackle has been one of the most relentless players in the league.

Expect him to be unblockable, disruptive and abusive.

Does all this mean that Pittsburgh has NO chance to win? Not exactly. The Steelers play with a great deal of heart and with solid offensive and defensive schemes.

A big break or early turnover could be enough to lift them to an upset.

But the average margin of victory in the last 11 Super Bowls has been somewhere around three touchdowns, and this one should be no different: Dallas wins, 38-17.

Ouch, that hurts.

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