Cheap Seats

Welcome to our special Super Bowl edition

There are no cheap seats at Super Bowl XXX, but there are Cheap Seats. Let’s get you in the spirit with Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser’s take on the public perception of Cowboys coach Barry Switzer as a boob: “Even (owner Jerry) Jones, who put Switzer in this job, felt obliged to defend Switzer’s intellect. Jones pointed out that ‘Switzer’s brother graduated from Dartmouth.’ Hello? Might I add that if my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a bicycle.”

Newt Ringrich

In search of his third Super Bowl ring, Nate Newton is certainly one of the Cowboys’ biggest success stories, if not their biggest player. Indeed, at a mere 320 pounds, he’s the petite member of Dallas’ beefy offensive line (three linemates are heavier, the other taller). “I used to be a fat guy,” he said. “Once we got Emmitt (Smith), I became a fat guy with athletic ability.”

Still, not an interview comes along that size doesn’t come up. And he claims the key to his success was the NFL’s crackdown on steroid users.

“I didn’t come to the game,” he said. “The game came to me. They gave the fat guys a chance to play ball. Before, we didn’t even get invited to training camp. Now everybody drafts a bunch of fat guys.”

But does he diet? “Off-season,” he said, “and I be grumpy.”

And because of his size, Newton doesn’t get the endorsement offers his more famous teammates do. Truth be known, he desires to do just one commercial.

“For Hanes briefs,” he said. “More people in America look like me than look like Michael Jordan. And here I am coming through the front door. ‘Honey, I’m home.’ I drop my pants and my shirt at the front door. I got my big gut hanging out over my briefs. I go get a beer and I sit back in my big, raggedy recliner and I say, ‘Hanes makes me feel good all over.”’

Endorsements may come, but Newton isn’t waiting. He’s been seen around Tempe sporting baseball caps advertising his new 900 number.

Look - there’s JoAnne Worley!

Whether they prefer noisy nightspots in swanky Scottsdale or hushed hideouts in the desert mountains, celebrities are rolling into Arizona like tumbleweeds.

The early guest list: Magic Johnson, Spike Lee, Kevin Costner, Mike Tyson, Queen Latifah, supermodel Veronica Webb, MTV’s ‘Downtown’ Julie Brown, L.L. Cool J, Dr. Dre, David Schwimmer of “Friends,” singer Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish and three “ER” doctors George Clooney, Anthony Edwards and Noah Wyle.

But some celebs apparently aren’t coming from afar.

“I think that Phoenix is definitely growing, star-wise. Over the past couple years the popularity has boomed here, with people who are burnt out on California,” said Dolores Tropiano, Arizona Republic columnist.

Arizona is home to actress Sean Young and television journalist Hugh Downs.

“The whole area is really hot,” Tropiano said.

Hugh Downs? Smmmmokin’!

Sorry Mr. Greene. Or do I call you Mean Joe?

Steelers linebacker Kevin Greene can hardly be mistaken for teammate Greg Lloyd. For starters, Greene is white and Lloyd black. That didn’t keep a reporter from asking Greene, “As an idol to the children of Pittsburgh, do you think you should apologize for using vulgar language?” The vulgar language, of course, came from Lloyd after Pittsburgh beat Indianapolis for the AFC title.

“You got the wrong linebacker, man,” Greene barked, glaring. “Do your homework. Bonehead question, man.”

And don’t forget Blowout

Care how many horses names have been inspired by the Super Bowl? A check of “Registered Thoroughbred Names” reveals nags named Super Bowl Sunday, Super Bowl Shuffle, Arizona Bound, Dallas Attack, Cowboy Cheerleader, Super Bowl Widow, Switzer, Aikman, Steeler, Pittsburgh and Aikman to Emit. Obviously, spelling doesn’t count.

Overpaid or overhyped?

Both Just in case you hadn’t heard, Mike Ditka has an opinion on Deion Sanders.

“I just know that’s three products I probably won’t buy,” Ditka said after watching three TV commercials with Sanders as the pitch man. “Gang, something’s out of whack. You can say I’m hardheaded, that I’m a dinosaur. But something’s out of whack when a guy can make more money than anyone on your football team and show up for only eight games a year.”

And Ditka’s opinions are why Sanders refused an NBC request to be interviewed by the former Bears coach this week. Ditka remained unperturbed.

“I took a cold dip in Lake Michigan, and I think it sobered me up so that I can handle the rejection now,” said Ditka. He said Sanders’ decision not to talk to him “reminds me of the way he tackles.”

The legend of Curly’s gold

Jack Palance, the movies’ favorite tough guy, will be pitching Ford trucks on commercials during this year’s Super Bowl - but he won’t be at the game.

“If this year’s Super Bowl is anything like last year’s … well, I left at halftime,” Palance said. “And it was my first Super Bowl.”

This isn’t the the first time he’s worked for Ford.

“Ford was nothing until I came along. I really started working for Ford in 1948,” Palance said. “I was in Detroit, understudying for ‘Streetcar Named Desire’ and thinking of getting married. But acting didn’t pay enough, so I went to work in the Ford factory. Actually, I think they still owe me some money from that Detroit thing.”

The last word …

“You got Kevin Greene looking like Fabio. My scarf comes out of my helmet two inches and I’m hit for five grand. Explain that to me.”

- Deion Sanders, on the inconsistencies of the NFL dress code

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo