Perhaps It’s Time To Hit The Trail

Dear Miss Manners: I am a single woman who rents the ground-floor apartment in a large house otherwise occupied by my landlord and his family. I have enjoyed a cordial relationship with them, exchanging pleasantries when we meet, but something bothers me.

My landlords give several outdoor barbecues in the backyard for many of their friends on warm weekends, and I never even once received a courtesy invitation to join them. This despite the fact that the barbecue was set right in front of my living room window, my door is always open in summer, and barbecue odors inevitably waft through my apartment.

These people knew I was home, they could see me inside, but merely waved hello and went on cooking and eating no more than six feet away.

I am not needy. Nor do I desperately need food. But I’ve had tenants of my own in the past, and always invited them and my neighbors to any backyard barbecues. I do not remember anyone who did not appreciate the courtesy, much less decline to come.

Now I am the tenant and I feel my landlords are rude and insensitive. Surely inviting one more guest would not be a burden when they are entertaining a dozen others. I am considering moving out. What do you say?

Gentle Reader: That you should move out.

It is not that Miss Manners shares your indignation. But people who feel that social privileges go with the real estate should not be living with those who are understandably wary of setting such precedents.

The problem with landlord-tenant socializing is that each can plainly see what the other is doing. It is obvious when a party is being given, and it may also be obvious whether someone who declines an invitation is really otherwise busy.

Warmly as etiquette promotes friendliness and hospitality, it also discourages intrusiveness. Thus we have the convention of pretending not to notice - a widely useful social fiction by which people seem unaware of what is happening under their noses (or in the case of the barbecue odors, right up their noses).

If this were never invoked, neighbors would never be free from one another’s company or interest. Without even trying, near-neighbors simply have too much information about one another for comfort. You don’t want them to tell you what they think of the gentleman who comes calling or ask why a nice young lady like you is so often home alone on weekends.

The accident of geography has no relation to whether those dozen friends of theirs would like you or you would like them. You might soon find yourself hiding under your bed, or they might be reduced to sneaking people in and cautioning them not to sound as if they are having too good a time.

Provided that everyone understands and practices a general policy of not noticing what is going on, Miss Manners would see no harm, and perhaps some good, in making a very occasional exception.

But one can no longer count on anyone’s being able to handle any behavior more complicated that blurting out the obvious, so your landlords may not want to raise your expectations. As you already have social expectations of them, Miss Manners cannot help thinking that they may be right.

Dear Miss Manners: I was taught that one should eat with one hand in one’s lap. Is this so?

Gentle Reader: This rule only applies to people engaged in eating. Those who lean forward for conversation between courses or after the meal are not violating the elbow rule - as vigilantes eager to pounce on them gleefully imagine.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate