It’s Something To Beware Of

Dear Ann Landers: I would like to respond to “Shocked in Texas,” who lost her husband to a cyberlover. I feel eminently qualified because I left my marriage of 20-plus years under the same circumstances.

Now, after time to reflect and much counseling (that I refused in the beginning), I realize that my marriage had other problems or I would not have been such an easy target. But I may have worked it out if the computer hadn’t been so handy.

Keep telling your readers, Ann, that this new cyber world is creating social issues that are brand-new and catching a multitude of basically good people completely off guard. The ability to communicate intimately without seeing one another makes even those who would have thought themselves unlikely candidates for infidelities extremely vulnerable. Everyone has problems, and to be able to communicate and empathize with a perfect stranger makes it incredibly easy to believe that person is your “soul mate.” Why waste any more time with a flawed, real-life mate, who has not met all your needs, when you have this perfect lover who wants you right now?

It’s sad that so many of us, in the midst of a raging midlife crisis, have thrown caution to the wind and gone head over heels for a “flawless” cyber soul mate. My only recommendation to “Shocked” is: Get therapy. Your husband might come to his senses, and whether he does or not, a competent therapist will help you learn from the past and deal with the future. - Been There in California

Dear Calif.: I warned my readers several months ago that the cybersweetie contagion is destined to be a major plague in the next millennium. It appears to have arrived earlier than expected.

There is no way to inoculate oneself against romantic fantasies. I can say, however, when you find yourself checking airline schedules and buying new underwear, make an appointment with your minister, friend, rabbi or guru and talk things over. Your cyberspace dreamboat could wind up being nothing more than a leaky canoe.

Dear Ann Landers: My father died 17 years ago. I am being married on his birthday. It’s going to be a very elegant affair. I asked my father’s twin brother to give me away, but I am now sick about my decision. “Uncle Chuck” is an alcoholic and very unreliable.

When my father died, my uncle was very attentive, but I haven’t seen him since my college graduation in 1990. He lives two hours away. I am now afraid he will show up late or drunk and embarrass me at the wedding. Since the affair is in the evening, it gives him the whole day to get drunk.

I want to ask my stepfather to give me away, which is what I should have done to begin with. He has treated me and my sister as if we were his own.

What do you think, Ann? I need advice. - Uncertain in Springfield, Mass.

Dear Uncertain: I think you should talk this over with your mother and ask for her help with this dilemma. She is much closer to the situation than I am and will give you the guidance you need. Meanwhile, I’ll keep my fingers crossed, dear.

xxxx