Russia Stands Tallest U.S. Looks To A Change To Get A Leg Up In Greco

They put their pants on one leg at a time in Greco-Roman wrestling, not that it matters. This is the anti-soccer, all hands but no feet, and they don’t perspire for 2 hours to wind up 0-0, either.

On the contrary, scoring came early and often Monday in the Olympic competition. Believe me, you haven’t lived until you spend an entire Monday watching Greco-Roman wrestling, not the kind of thing you would try in a hot attic, even with a close friend.

“The oldest sport in the world,” said Steve Fraser, a coach for Team USA. As if we didn’t know.

We would love to tell you Chicago’s own Derrick Waldroup might win more than a bronze medal in today’s 198-pound final, but we can’t. The 33-year-old is all dressed up in his 1920s bathing suit with no place to go but third, having won two bouts after an opening defeat in his first and last Summer Games.

Waldroup, a staff sergeant at Fort Benning, Ga., will retire to coach the U.S. Army squad, and not a moment too soon. Duty compels us to report the United States, land of the free and home of the brave, simply is not churning out enough bigger and better Greco-Roman wrestlers.

Neither are the Greeks nor Romans, but that’s their cross to bear.

“It’s mostly Russians,” said Tony T. Thomas, the Army coach whom Waldroup will succeed. “It’s the same old story. Our best athletes go to basketball or football, so they can make fortunes. Not like over there.”

Indeed, Aleksandr Karelin of Russia might be the finest athlete at this entire NBC orgy. He hasn’t lost to anyone, anywhere since 1987. During the Opening Ceremony, which started Friday night and ended about 10 minutes ago, he carried his nation’s flag.

Karelin is so strong and so mean, he doesn’t worry about finesse. He just throws his opponent to the mat and moves on to the next stop, a whole lot quicker than the Atlanta subway system operates. They say Michael Johnson is the world’s fastest human? Until he rides MARTA.

“But Karelin grew up doing this,” Fraser went on. “Why, these Russians, this is part of their heritage. We don’t have Greco-Roman wrestling in high school. It’s freestyle in high school, and collegiate style after that.”

Greco-Roman wrestling was introduced to the modern Olympic games in 1908. Why the Greeks didn’t win a medal at it until 1980 is one of those numerous unsolved mysteries within a sport invented by - who else? - the French. Go figure.

Given that Abraham Lincoln liked to roll up his sleeves and grapple, however, one would think we might fare better at any kind of wrestling. But apparently this notion of not using the legs to trip, lift or otherwise maim a foe is un-American.

Then there’s passivity problem. Greco-Roman matches last only 5 minutes and a disinterested warrior is penalized by having to assume a position on his hands and knees. Can you imagine if the Cubs were punished for passivity? They would have been crawling to the dugout for 50 years.

“We’re partly to blame,” admitted Thomas. “We’re intimidated by quick whistles, like Derrick had called on him this morning. Russian coaches, they’re like Bobby Knight. They go after the officials.”

“But it’s more than that,” added Fraser. “These Russians, I’ll bet they haven’t touched another man’s legs since they were in diapers.”

Oh. Whatever, in Greco-Roman wrestling, bet the guy on top.