Hilarious But Also Worrisome
Dear Ann Landers: I really enjoyed those mangled excuse notes from parents to teachers. Some were so funny, I laughed out loud. I’m enclosing an article from Popular Science magazine that revealed some hilarious test answers given by students in science classes. Ann, these were not contrived. They are real. I hope you will print them and give your readers a good laugh. - Tom in Sacramento
Dear Tom: I don’t for one minute doubt the validity of those responses. However, you didn’t say how old these students are. If they are older than 13, I fear for our country. Here are the responses:
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person’s chest, or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Germinate: to become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - A, E, I, O and U.
Dear Ann Landers: I’ve read your column for ages and almost always agree with you. One subject on which we do not see eye to eye, however, is senior citizens driving. According to the Memphis Commercial Appeal, recent statistics by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration indicate that drivers over 70 were involved in 4,431 fatal crashes in 1993. That is far fewer than any other age group. The 16- to 20-year-olds were involved in 7,711 fatal crashes.
Elderly drivers also had the lowest incidence of drunk driving accidents. Now, will you give seniors the praise they deserve? - Lambert, Miss.
Dear Lambert: With pleasure, although you should know that those statistics don’t tell the whole story. The NHTSA says that the percentage of all accidents (fatal and nonfatal) for licensed drivers is almost the same for those under 25 as for those 65 and over.