‘Our Dream House Created A Nightmare’
“How could trying to agree on the purchase of a front door destroy 20 years of marriage?” wonders Geri, a youthful 42-year-old. “I’m exaggerating, of course, but the fight we had last night was no joke, and it all started with that stupid door.”
Ever since Geri and her husband Jack, a general contractor, sold their house in Virginia and moved to downtown Washington, D.C., into one that needed a lot of work, they’ve been arguing constantly. Geri persuaded Jack to move so that they could enjoy what the city has to offer - to take a few college courses, entertain friends elegantly, go to the theater instead of baseball games.
But Jack resented the move. “Now, on top of that, I feel like the shoemaker’s daughter who has no shoes,” Geri reports. “I’m the contractor’s wife who doesn’t have a decent home.” Instead of hiring someone to handle the renovation, Jack wanted to do the work himself. Geri adds: “But he’s barely done a thing, and we’re forced to step over sheet rock when we come downstairs.”
A big battle raged when Jack wanted to cut corners and install a less expensive, ready-made front door rather than the hand-carved one Geri had her heart set on. “It was a small thing, but it was symbolic of how little he thinks of me and the dream house I hoped we’d share,” she explains.
Geri sees this house as the beginning of their new life together. “Now that our boys are in college, I feel we’ve earned the time to concentrate on things we really want to do.” Now, she insists, is their time to share new experiences. “But instead there seems to be nothing between us but bitterness.”
Jack, 53, is not embarrassed to say how much he adored their old modest home and back-yard garden. “Call me corny, but it killed me to give those up,” he recalls in a soft voice. “I’m talking tradition here. I never had a real family connection - I ran away from home when I was 16 and I’ve been on my own ever since. I looked forward to planting vegetables with my grandkids.”
Jack was shocked that his wife “didn’t wait five minute after the boys left for school before she put the house on the market. I love her too much to say no, but I had no idea she was so miserable in our old life. Why didn’t she tell me she hated going to baseball games?”
Though Jack admits he hasn’t been completely diligent about finishing the renovation, he points out that he still has a business to run: “And you can’t imagine the money we’re pouring into this house! Geri picked out a front door that costs $1,800. I know you can get a perfectly fine door for less than half that price.”
As far as Jack is concerned, his wife is being totally unreasonable and selfish. He feels, too, that he just doesn’t know the woman he’s lived with for 20 years: “Maybe she doesn’t need me anymore. Maybe she’s better off doing her own thing.”
Reconciling disparate dreams
“In every relationship, both partners have some sort of hidden agenda or unspoken expectations,” notes Robert L. Barker, a marriage counselor in Washington, D.C. “This is a classic case in which both partners had a clear vision of a life plan, but their visions were distinctly different - and, unfortunately, never discussed.” The house renovation was simply the catalyst that brought to a head this couple’s problems, which had been too long ignored.
Many couples, like Geri and Jack, busy with the demands of raising a family, live lives of assumptions, never expressing goals, hopes or dreams along the way. The eventual discovery of these conflicting plans can be fraught with pain. How can couples find room for each partner’s needs and dreams?
These suggestions worked for Geri and Jack:
1. Anticipate the inevitable disruptions major life transitions trigger - marriage, birth of a child or an empty nest.
2. Learn to problem-solve together. Instead of reacting with anger, bitterness or blame, encourage an exchange of ideas and feelings.
3. Don’t get locked into either/or thinking. Instead, make an effort to explore your partner’s concerns and see how your mistaken assumptions may have affected your behavior.