Consider Use And Circumstances
Dear Miss Manners: How should a woman return a man’s handkerchief after she has used it?
Apparently no degree of precautionary stuffing of tissues up sleeves or inside blouses completely eliminates the occasional need of a more substantial handkerchief. Being a single man who is in the habit of almost always carrying one of these utilitarian pieces of cloth, I have had many occasions with various women in which I have handed over my handkerchief.
While certain of the gallantry associated with making my handkerchief available at a crucial time, most women have seemed unsure of what to do with it after the crisis has passed. Some have returned it immediately; some have taken it home, laundered it, and then returned it at a later date; and some have kept the handkerchief indefinitely, possibly discarding it once out of my sight (or possibly saving it as a (presumably laundered) memento).
Do the rules of etiquette vary according to the use to which the handkerchief has been put or the extent to which it has been soiled? Are they influenced by whether one or both persons ever wish to see each other again?
Gentle Reader: You are a single man in possession of a clean handkerchief? Miss Manners feels an impulse like dear Miss Austen’s Mrs. Bennet coming on. She feels like supplying a worthy young lady for you to marry.
What is more, you understand the complexity of the situation. Handkerchiefs are full of symbolism, whatever else they may contain.
A lady with a messy cold should take your handkerchief home and return it laundered. A lady who used your handkerchief for one stray tear during “Tristan and Isolde,” would hand it back, unless she were madly in love with you. If you feel the desire to keep it unlaundered, you may safely assume that you are falling in love.
Miss Manners cannot cover all the possible combinations, but at any rate wouldn’t want to deprive you of the excitement of guessing each one. Handkerchiefs have long played an important role in romance, and not knowing exactly what is meant is part of the fun. Not in Othello’s case, but usually.
Dear Miss Manners: As the owner of a bridal shop that offers a catalog service for wedding invitations and such, I am called upon to answer all sorts of questions about etiquette. Most are just common misunderstandings and easily explained, but this one stumped me: A soon-to-be bride wanted to change the wording of her invitation from her parents’ requesting the honor, etc., to her infant daughter’s doing so. Thinking she was joking, I blurted out that infants do not issue invitations in their parents’ names. The bride huffed that she thought it would be cute, and it was her money.
Needless to say - and to my relief - I lost the order. How say you, dear lady? I feel this may not be the last time this subject arises.
Gentle Reader: What Miss Manners has to say is that it is a privilege to have you as a colleague.
A bride who wants to be silly will have no trouble finding businesses willing to take her money to help. Someone who can be depended upon not only to know what is right, but to uphold it is harder to find.
But isn’t that why people in quest of good advice consult us? The job of anyone professionally knowledgeable is to supply correct information. Had the lady been advised by her dentist to floss and responded “You can’t make me,” the dentist would be excused for thinking that such a patient was a waste of time.
You will find a reputation for being uncompromising immensely helpful. Some time ago, the head of the stationery department at a famous store told Miss Manners that requests such as you encountered were always answered with a gentle, “I’m afraid that if that is what you want, this is not the place for you.” She notices their business - bolstered by a reputation for being always impeccably correct - is booming.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate