‘Cemetery’ Has Lots Of Plots, No Taste

Just when you think you’ve seen everything a particular film genre has to offer, along comes something like “The Cemetery Man” to shatter your illusions.

Or, at the very least, to gross them out.

Don’t be misled, though. This French-Italian horror production, which was shot in English and stars at least one bona-fide English actor (Rupert Everett, “The Madness of King George”), is no classic - campy or otherwise.

But then consider the source of that opinion: I’ve never been a big fan of George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead.”

And that is what, for at least its first half, “The Cemetery Man” resembles. Everett stars as Francesco Dellamorte (which roughly translates as Frank of the Dead), the caretaker of an old-world cemetery that is undistinguished except for one thing: a strange sort of “epidemic” causes the bodies of the newly dead to rise within seven days of their demise.

That’s right. “The Cemetery Man” is a zombie flick.

Francesco, however, is not your ordinary kind of caretaker. For one thing, Everett is not your ordinary kind of actor. Tall and hunky, albeit in a sepulchral sort of way, Everett exudes a certain sexiness that works against his character’s essential duck-and-cover nature.

For, being strictly unheroic, Francesco accepts the task of doing away with the living dead only because, as he admits, if the townfolk were aware of the zombie problem they’d want to shut the cemetery down.

And Francesco would be out of a job.

So with the help of his assistant, a Curly Howard look-alike named Gnaghi (pronounced “Noggy” and played by Francois Hadji-Lazaro), he buries corpses by day, then kills and reburies them by night.

Then SHE appears, SHE being a widow who, turned on by Francesco’s collection of skulls, falls for him. Big time. One thing leads to another, they make love on her late husband’s grave (don’t ask), the old guy revives and she, somewhat inconveniently to Francesco’s way of thinking, dies.

Guess what happens next?

Well, both what you might expect and a few twists you likely won’t. For in the mix of bike-riding zombies, disembodied talking-heads, cannibalistic Boy Scouts, party-hearty college girls, necrophiliac fantasies and the guy who throws up to demonstrate his love, “The Cemetery Man” runs the gamut of taste from bad to barely appropriate.

The sad thing is that most viewers likely will be so busy expecting something formulaic - a la “From Dusk Til Dawn” - that they won’t be able to accept the film’s few virtues, which include some art-house camera angles, a subtext of humor suggesting that director Michele Soavi (if not screenwriter Gianni Romoli) doesn’t take things too seriously and Everett in the lead role.

There are a few serious points made by the film as well. The isolation of humanity, for example, is one working theme. The hopelessness of escaping death is another. And don’t forget the seemingly unending angst of love.

Once again, though, don’t get “The Cemetery Man” confused with “Being and Nothingness.” In the end, this is just a zombie flick with European pretensions.

On the right midnight, though, that might be all a zombie lover needs.

, DataTimes MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: “The Cemetery Man” **-1/2 Location: Lyons Ave. Cinemas Credits: Directed by Michele Soavi, starring Rupert Everett, Francois HadjiLazaro, Anna Falchi and Stefano Misciarelli. Running time: 1:40 Rating: R