Tardiness Never Fashionable

Dear Miss Manners: An old friend and I meet every few months for lunch, and one time she telephoned the restaurant 50 minutes after our appointment to say she was going to be late. I said we would have to reschedule, as my lunch hour was at an end. I understand that business people may have emergencies, so I ignored the unpleasant experience of waiting alone.

After she confirmed a recent lunch date, at a restaurant only two storefronts from her office (I had to walk three blocks in the pouring rain to get there), I sat there for half an hour and finally telephoned her office. She said she was with her accountant and the time got away from her, but she would wrap up the meeting and come over. I replied that by the time she arrived and ordered, I would have to leave, so it would not be worthwhile.

Upon my return to my office, I found a voice mail message from her saying we were both busy people and I had rescheduled lunches before, so I should understand. But I always telephoned ahead of time when I became aware of a business conflict, which is different from leaving someone sitting alone in a restaurant.

I understand the idea of being fashionably late, but am I wrong to feel insulted if someone does not show up or arrives a minimum of 30 minutes late? Should I have ordered my lunch after a certain period of time? Would it upset restaurant personnel, since it necessitates the wait staff’s splitting the service to one table?

Gentle Reader: Fashionably late? What are you talking about?

Miss Manners loathes the term, which suggests that there is something right about keeping other people waiting.

But it is not enough to declare that polite people must show up for their engagements on time, true as that is. What confuses the issue is that they must know when “on time” means the exact time stated, and when it means approximately.

Your point about the effect of lateness upon others is the key. Stand-up parties at people’s houses have a bit of leeway because a bunch of people standing around drinking cocktails at five are not inconvenienced when others show up at 5:25. An invitation may even state “five to seven,” in which case even 6:30 is permissible.

Appointments for meals should be kept within 10 minutes, and those in restaurants should be kept exactly, with even five minutes’ lateness requiring a mumbled apology, and 10 minutes a clear apology accompanied by a plausible explanation. Letting the time “get away” does not qualify.

Yes, you should have ordered lunch, and you should have left when you were finished. The only difference between that and having a lunch date with your rude old friend is that you would not have gone away hungry.

Dear Miss Manners: My father is retiring next year, and my sister and I have differing views on who pays for his retirement dinner. She says that invited guests should receive an invitation with an admission cost printed on the invitation. I disagree, and have told her that I think the retiree’s family should pay for the dinner and guests should attend free of charge.

Gentle Reader: Does anyone besides Miss Manners know what a guest is any more? You do, thank goodness, but who brought up your sister?

Everyone else seems to think that hospitality is a form of business, in which acquaintances are to be treated as customers. People who pay admission are not guests, no matter what hotels and other commercial enterprises say to the contrary.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate