Could Politics Sink Any Lower?

It is Wednesday, Sept. 25, 1996, the night of the first Taco Bell Presidential Debate. The candidates are at their podiums on stage at Washington University in St. Louis. The moderator, Ricki Lake, shakes hands with President Clinton and Bob Dole and gets the show rolling.

Lake: Wow! This is exciting. The topic for this evening is “He’s Trying to Steal My Job!” Now, according to the draw, Senator Dole …

Clinton: I just want to tell you, Ricki, I love your show, especially those makeovers for fat girls. Speaking of things that are big as the broad side of a barn, the era of Big Government is over. This is the age of possibility. More Americans from all corners of the country and all walks of life should have more options to reach more kinds of personal and family and community fulfillment than they have ever had in all of human history. But if we’re going to do this, we have to find a way to go into this very modern, new world still clinging to our old-fashioned values, because it’s no accident that we’re still around here after 220 years.

And let me just follow up on myself, Ricki. I think that Bob and I agree on many things. He’s mainstream. I’m centrist. I got off track for awhile. But then Dick Morris helped me glom onto some Republican issues like a hair in a biscuit. I have gone a long way to try to meet Mr. Dole in agreement on a balanced budget and welfare reform, in my effort to give the American people a rebirth of bipartisan productive accomplishment. And it has been real interesting to watch and see whether the creative tension …

Dole: Gaghhhd!

Lake: Mr. President, you are WAY over! Mr. Dole, your opening statement.

Dole: Bob Dole is a doer, not a talk…

Clinton: Ricki, if I might just add, I think I know what Bob is trying to say. He believes that now is the time for us to look to the challenges of today and tomorrow, beyond the burdens of yesterday. Bob and I agree that we’ve got to get a government that works better and costs less. We agree that liberals need not apply for federal judgeships. We agree that families are the foundation of American life. He’s trying to say that we must all ask more of ourselves, we must expect more of each other, and we must enable all our people to make the most of their own lives with fundamental values, more educational opportunity, economic security, safer streets, in a safer world.

Dole: Stop lying about my vision!

Clinton: As I was saying, Ricki, Bob and I agree that parents need more control over what their children see and what they are taught. That is why I have signed the V-chip legislation, and why I invited Hollywood media moguls to come to the White House and pretend that they care about improving what our children see on television. We’re fighting for the heart and soul of our country.

Lake: Mr. Dole, is your daughter dating a criminal or a space alien, or living as a boy?

Dole: We’re the party of ideas. Not certain what they are. Not born in blue suit. Not good with little slogans or phrases. Tested and tested. Don’t give up easily. Got around to buttonhooks a few years ago. Voluntary school prayer. No more Mapplethorpe. Bob Dole wouldn’t cozy up to Castro. Bob Dole wants English as the official language, tax credits for this or that, better America for blacks, whites, whatever. Got to get back on track on moral issues, character, corruption, whatever. I’ve never raised the issue of Whitewater. Got Al D’Amato for that.

Clinton: I would like to say a word from the baby-boom generation to Senator Dole and to all our other senior citizens in this auditorium who fought so long ago in World War II: I salute your service and so do the American people.

Dole: Agghhh!

Lake: Time for closing statements, guys. President Clinton?

Clinton: Our country is, and always has been, a great and good nation. But the best is yet to come if we all do our part. God bless you, and God Bless the United States of America. Do I have to stop talking now?

Dole: Bob Dole is a real person. Bob Dole will do the right thing. That’s what Bob Dole is about.

Lake: Tune in for the next debate in St. Petersburg, when the moderator will be Jerry Springer and the topic will be “Help! I’m Obsessed With My Pollster!”

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