Beyond Less Horrid, Strive For Fun

Dear Miss Manners: It seems to be a state law here that the parents of each graduating high school senior hold an open house to which they invite every name in their Rolodex. I have been invited to open houses by people whose children I have never actually met.

(Invitees can buy their way out with a congratulatory card enclosing a check for $25 or so. When the parents send out a couple of hundred invitations, these can add up to a tidy pile.)

When I am invited to a party for a child I have known and been fond of since birth, I go to commemorate the end of an era. Here is what happens:

I hand the card and enclosed check to the graduating honoree. He accepts it with a grunt, looking away so as not to make eye contact, and deposits it in a basket.

He then eases off to rejoin his friends, and for the rest of the party will studiously avoid social contact with any of the adults present. I have never seen an adult at one of these affairs who looked as if he or she were having a good time. After a couple of hours, one is allowed to leave, unless one is a grandparent, in which case one must stay the entire time.

I am determined not to put people through this. Would it be all right if I gave a party for my son’s friends only?

Gentle Reader: From your description, it sounds as if you will not be the only happy person. To resolve not to invite people to have a bad time is a good idea.

But Miss Manners questions why these parties are so awful. In theory, multigenerational celebrations ought to be a lot of fun. (And those who don’t think so need only send their congratulations - there is no charge for declining an invitation.)

From your description, these parties falter from a shocking lack of manners on the part of the hosts and the guest of honor. It’s not only a matter of the child’s showing gratitude. He and his parents have an obligation to socialize with all their guests and introduce them around.

So, while Miss Manners is willing to let you off the hook, she would like you to reconsider. As great a contribution to the social happiness of the community it would be not to give the party, you could make more of a contribution by giving a good one.

This would require involving your son in the planning, and teaching him how to be a good host - training that will be valuable to him throughout life. You cannot hope to bring this off without his enthusiastic participation, but you might be able to prod him into showing some.

Dear Miss Manners: As a librarian in a parochial school, I have run into something I consider rude manners. Since I am not a classroom teacher, many of the parents may not know me personally.

When there is an occasion to talk with some parents (such as asking them if they need help looking for someone in the hallways), they will ask somewhat haughtily, after the initial conversation, “And you are?” Obviously in a social setting, I would probably be the first to introduce myself, and I would think the parent would do the same. At the very least, a parent might ask, “Could you tell me your name?”

At 49 years of age, I am not intimidated by these people, and would like to know how to respond.

Gentle Reader: You could respond by telling them your position and your name, asking them for theirs and, if possible, saying something pleasant about their children.

Miss Manners would be the first to admit that this is not as much fun as quibbling over words. It would be more gracious of them to introduce themselves and wait for you to introduce yourself. The wording you suggest would also be more charming than the phrase to which you object.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate