My Husband Is Irresponsible
“I’ve had it,” shouts Jillian, 34, an administrative assistant to a clothing designer. “It’s bad enough that Billy won’t take any responsibility in our marriage - I’ve always done it all, from organizing our wedding to paying the bills - but now he seems bent on destroying us outright. He’s been gambling obsessively again.”
Jillian is convinced that if she could only get her husband to talk, they could work things out. “But in the four years we’ve been married, he’s slowly pulled away.”
When they first met - in the laundry room of their apartment building - Billy was sharing an apartment with his older brother, Jack, who got Billy hooked on gambling. “He’d drag him to a betting parlor or some low-life poker game. Billy would call me to say he’d be right home and invariably turn up at dawn,” Jillian remembers. She says he invariably had lost all his money.
It’s not just the on-and-off gambling sprees that worry Jillian. Recently Billy was fired from his job as the assistant manager at a trendy restaurant, and he’s been stalling about job hunting ever since. “When I walked by the betting parlor last month, I saw him at the window,” she reports. “I begged him to go to Gambler’s Anonymous and, though he promised, he still hasn’t called them.”
The last straw came the other day when Jillian discovered that her jewelry was missing. “Billy sold it to cover his gambling debts,” she says furiously. “He’s hopeless. How can I ever trust him again?”
“I know I’ve lied to Jillian about the gambling,” says Billy, 34, a handsome but ashen-faced young man who spoke softly and slowly. “But I do love her and I want to make her happy. I have every intention of looking for a good job. The problem is Jillian has these great big dreams - the elegant house, successful careers. But where are my dreams, what I want? I feel a lot of pressure to live up to her expectations.”
When Jack suggested to Billy could make some easy money playing poker, “like a dope, I said yes,” Billy recalled. “I never thought it would lead to this. I’ve tied myself up in lies - and I’m losing Jillian because of it.”
It’s not easy living with a woman like Jillian, and to avoid her belittling accusations, Billy claims, he’s felt compelled to skirt the truth. “I hate loud confrontations,” he says, “ever since I was a kid, my parents or my teachers yelled at for one thing or another. Whenever I do something that upsets her - even if I’m the least bit late coming home - Jillian screams her head off. I can’t stand it.” Billy decided it’s better to withdraw from his wife than to talk to her.
Confronting someone you love
“It can be very difficult not to react with anger and disgust when trust has been broken,” notes Jane Greer, a psychotherapist in New York City. Whether a partner betrayed a trust by gambling, drinking or having an affair, the damage can often seem irreparable. However, before Jillian can attempt to rebuild the foundation of trust necessary to a healthy relationship, she must confront her husband - but not in the way she has been.
Most people, like Jillian and Billy, assume that confrontation is inherently negative and to be avoided at all costs. But confrontation is not combat - or a contest. Here are guidelines to deal effectively with someone who has broken your trust:
1. Describe your feelings. Though it sounds elementary, most people don’t know how to do this. They think that simply beginning a conversation with an I-statement is enough. However, saying, “I think you’re an idiot,” is not helpful, it’s inflammatory. Better: “When you didn’t get home last night when you said you would, I was worried.”
2. Speak calmly but firmly. Remember why you are upset in the first place and insist that those issues be addressed.
3. Banish accusation and blame from your confrontation. Don’t say: “It’s all your fault,” “You’re hopeless. These comments are provocative and only antagonize. His reaction will be to counterattack. By calling people on their untrustworthy behavior, you put the focus on their actions, where it rightly belongs.
When Jillian incorporated these three points into her attempts to talk to her husband, she was able to avoid sending him into immediate retreat. Once he no longer felt he was on the hot seat, Billy was able to talk to Jillian. Together, they began to attend regular meetings of Gambler’s Anonymous and, in time, forged a strong partnership based not only on love but also on trust.