You Must Work Toward Resolution

Dear Nancy: My father was abusive and I have recently separated from my husband who changed drastically after our wedding. He became both verbally and physically abusive. I now have a restraining order against him but the fear is all-pervading.

I have had many dreams like this one. I wake up nearly every night crying and scared and, sometimes, kicking or punching. - Laurie

I am being held tightly from behind and I can’t see who is holding me. I am watching my husband pull the fish out of my aquarium, one by one. He sets them down on the table and they flop around until they die. He looks at me and laughs. I feel so sad and helpless to see the things I love destroyed.

Dear Laurie: Your dream certainly shows the amount of pain and powerlessness you are experiencing because of this relationship. Dreams often reflect the dynamics of our relationships with people we know. This dream definitely portrays a cruel streak in your husband and illustrates your need to be cautious.

In the dream, you are being held back. Who or what is immobilizing you? Is it fear of your own power or your feelings of helplessness? Could it be another abuser from your past such as your father?

Aquariums are used to produce a calm atmosphere and are a symbol of tranquillity. These fish are also your pets. The picture of your husband cruelly killing the fish, one by one, shows how this relationship has killed your own sense of tranquillity and calm. By destroying your pets, he destroys parts of you.

I would suggest, Laurie, that you go back into the dream, in a meditative state, and resolve the situation in some way. You may want to harness all of your strength and power and defeat or destroy your husband in your meditation.

You can also befriend him, if that seems appropriate. If you choose to befriend him, you must do it with strength and as an equal rather than from fear and vulnerability. I would also suggest that you have a friend, a minister or therapist help you through these fearful times.

Tips for readers: Nearly all of us have experienced terrible nightmares. Catastrophic events, personal threats, ghoulish monsters and grisly scenes are all part of the nightmare experience.

All of our fears rise up in full force within us and we may cry out and clutch and squirm in our beds until we awaken, shaking, crying and in terror.

Why do we have these dreams? Both Freud and Jung believed that most nightmares are caused by unresolved stressful situations in our lives, past or present.

Bob Coalson, a therapist specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder, says, “A nightmare may be a re-enactment of an actual experience, a total fantasy experience or an actual event portrayed in combination with fantasy. A marked increase in nightmare activity may be more prominent around anniversary dates.” An example of this is a nightmare occurring around the “anniversary date” of a traumatic experience.

Recurring nightmares can be resolved by using special dream-work methods such as conquering or befriending the enemy. Also, some people have found resolution by working with their nightmares with a therapist.

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