Advice James Wishes We Would Seek
Dear Readers, This is the season of absurdities and incoherence. Fall winds, loose pumpkins, drooping dahlias, the monsoon something affects our perception. So, I’ve decided to write letters I wish you had written. Think of it as an invitation to ask me anything.
Even if I know nothing about your subject, I’ll still answer. Lack of knowledge has never stopped me before.
Jennifer: Help me out with this one. Why would hunters want to feed bears donuts and then shoot them? Wouldn’t all that fat create a high cholesterol count in the bear meat? I thought the thrill of the hunt was persistence, stealth and sharp shooting. Bear baiting sounds like bowling with a gun.
Twink
Twink, How do you think it feels to have your family telling you to give up everything you love to eat, especially large jelly donuts? Bears are allowed to get fat without being harassed.
By giving what you most want to the bears and then shooting them, you get even. Remember that desire to run over joggers with your car? Any species that still feels free to eat jelly donuts is fair game.
Jennifer (just joshing!)
Dear Jennifer:
Why can’t you get a better picture of yourself? I’ve seen you in person and you look a lot better than your picture.
Cindy
Dear Cindy, I look better when I’m moving than when I’m holding still; most people do. Isn’t it better for you to meet me and be surprised rather than disappointed? A new photo is coming. My husband took it yesterday, but he was in a hurry. I backed up against the dining room wall and did my best.
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer, How do you know it’s love? I don’t want to make a mistake.
Hugo
Dear Hugo, The best chance for love seems to be two people who are 1) available for love, 2) have values that support commitment, and 3) are willing to take enough time to know each other.
Being available means knowing yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, your comfort level with honesty and intimacy, and your early relationship patterns. Do you know how to love and be loved? Have you been loved? If you cannot answer these questions, then find out more.
Values that support commitment are honesty, fidelity, fairness and a strong sense of equality. Traits that make a difference are gentleness, an ability to handle your anger and diffuse anger in others, and a sense of humor. If you cannot laugh together often, you are not going to make it.
Take time to sort out chemistry and old messages from love and who you now are. Don’t unwittingly “marry” your father, mother or first partner, unless they were wonderful people you want to live with forever. Get through some crises together as a couple and notice whether your love deepens or your fear does. It’s easy to confuse love and fear, but love makes you feel safe and good.
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer, Now that Tiger Woods is bringing his extraordinary magic to the PGA, will private golf clubs become more open?
Carter
Dear Carter, Ah, if golf clubs were based on talent, there would be a significant shift in membership. They are based on the natural desire for “like” to socialize with “like.” I call it the “lunch test.” Many people are just more comfortable eating lunch with those who are like them. Then you can go through the usual known routines and don’t really have to think or connect.
The irony is that Tiger Woods probably can eat lunch with almost anyone, much as Jackie Robinson, Bill Russell and Muhammad Ali could, and feel comfortable. Tiger knows how to fit into the world as it is, too many of us still don’t.
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer, Why do smokers use silly examples like eating meat, playing music, drinking beer or making noise as comparisons to second-hand smoke?
Phil
Dear Jennifer, There is not enough “meaningful work” available for all the people who are going to find their welfare checks ending. What can we do so they don’t turn to crime or violence?
Teresa
Dear Jennifer, What can a 36-year-old man who has spent many years in prison do to change his life?
Mort
We are out of time. Rake the leaves. More answers next week.
Jennifer
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review