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A Brit-Royal Fantasy Life Was Not A Fergie Dream

Compiled By Staff Writer Dan Web

If you weren’t surprised that Sarah Ferguson, aka the Duchess of York, didn’t make the grade as a Brit-royal, then the two of you have something in common.

“I was hopeless from the start, the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time,” the ex-wife of Prince Andrew says in “My Story,” her forthcoming autobiography.

Life around Buckingham Palace was always difficult, she wrote. Still, she couldn’t blame Queen Elizabeth II for being angry at her attempts to rebel - attempts that included extramarital affairs.

“The queen was furious,” Fergie, 37, said. “Her anger wounded me to the core, the more because I knew it was justified. I had violated her trust. I’d betrayed the bond.”

Loose talk

Patti LaBelle on her advancing years (in her autobiography “Don’t Block the Blessings”): “I always said if I make it to 45, I will be cool, and if I turn 50, I’m really over the hump. I’m 52, so now I say ‘God spared me.”’

She’s played Tom Hanks’ lover AND his mother both

Sally Field turns 50 today.

If he breaks it, at least he knows how to fix it

Princess Diana has her own heart doctor now, in more ways than one. The ex-wife of Britain’s Prince Charles is keeping time with heart surgeon Hasnat Khan, reports the London Sunday Mirror. Khan, 36, is a heart surgeon who works for one of London’s major hospitals.

Assuming, of course, that she can blowtorch them off

So will evangelist Tammy Faye Messner ever tone down her trademark makeup? “When Dolly Parton goes down to a 32B, then I will give up my eyelashes,” Messner told Katie Couric on MSNBC’s “Internight.”

Pour us a pint and we’ll gladly do our part

Speaking of the Brit-royals, there’s a new kind of brew being sold in Britain. It’s called Royal Divorce Ale, and it comes in two fitting labels: Prince Charles and Princess Diana. “Most of the retail prices goes to Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise, so you could say we are helping to pay for the divorce settlement,” a spokesman for Buffy’s Brewery told the U.S. News & World Report.

They’re joined in spirit, if not in holy bankbook

Not that anyone should care, but supermodel Naomi Campbell came clean to David Letterman about why she has been calling shop owner Luca Orlandi her “husband.” She said she and Orlandi enjoyed a “spiritual marriage.”

‘On ET Tonight we have film of… hey, where’d he go?’

The line is growing of celebrities who plan to boycott “Entertainment Tonight” because the syndicated show uses videotapes by snoopy paparazzi. George Clooney began the movement, to which Steven Spielberg, Whoopi Goldberg and Madonna among others have signed on.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 2 Color Photos

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Compiled by staff writer Dan Webster