Nfl Serves Fine Whine
Suddenly, NFL games resemble daytime talk shows. Every down is disputed, every play is pleaded, every call is contested. Every time the whistle blows, somebody blows his stack.
Pretty soon, Red Cashion will be replaced by Jerry Springer.
Players rip off helmets. Coaches rip off headsets. Owners rip off Zegna neckties.
Jimmy Johnson jumped so high after a bad fumble call last week, his head came back down before his hair did.
It’s getting very nasty out there. Receivers, for instance, are whining more incessantly than George Costanza at a job fair. After many an incompletion the receiver turns angrily toward the nearest striped shirt and insists on an interference call. (Personal aside: Curiously, “incidental contact” was largely responsible for my marriage and for my divorce.)
Lately, the squabbles have gotten louder and longer. Everyone’s contentious. Everyone thinks he’s Clarence Darrow arguing the Scopes case. In fact, it might be time to bring in Judge Judy.
It’s certainly time to douse all this dialogue: The NFL should follow soccer and issue red cards - the Raiders could purchase these in bulk, at discount rates - to return order to The Greatest Game Ever Played.
Now that things are quiet, we can get to the business at hand. Please remember that the following picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:
Cardinals at Redskins (-10): In last-ditch attempt to retain job, K Greg Davis went to Cardinals coaches Tuesday and told them he just realized he’s left-footed. Pick: Redskins.
Lions at Chargers (-4): My annual address on Detroit coaching situation: Leave Wayne be! Thank you. Pick: Lions.
Patriots (-6-1/2) at Jets: Suggested sliding scale for Jets on pay-per-view: $29.95 if they score one TD; $19.95 if they are shut out; $4.95 if Rich Kotite calls offensive plays. Pick: Pats.
Steelers (-4) at Bengals: Sure, Bruce Coslet’s 2-0 as Bengals chieftain. But Emilio Estevez had a pretty strong opening two weeks with Paula Abdul. Pick: Steelers.
Giants at Panthers (-4): After loss to Falcons, Super Bowlbound Carolina coach Dom Capers transferred team control to defensive coordinator Vic Fangio during Monday morning shave. Pick: Panthers.
Cowboys at 49ers (-4): Reflecting Bill Walsh’s growing influence on offensive schemes, 49ers to become first NFL team with fax machine in huddle. Pick: Cowboys.
Falcons (-1) at Rams: It is said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But the way to The Man’s heart is seeing Atlanta as a road favorite. Cha-ching! Pick: Rams.
Colts at Dolphins (-3): On Tuesday, Florida voters defeated Referendum 201, which proposed a really, really strong commitment to the Dolphins’ running game. Pick: Colts.
Oilers (-3) at Saints: Emergency Broadcast System was pumped into Oilers coach Jeff Fisher’s headset during final minute of Seahawks game. Pick: Oilers.
Packers (-3) at Chiefs: Chiefs’ newest controversial blocking technique: Combined “Heimlich maneuver/ involuntary tracheotomy.” Pick: Packers.
Raiders (-5) at Buccaneers: As expected, Richard Jewell interviewed with Raiders Wednesday for an unspecified post. Pick: Buccaneers.
Vikings at Seahawks (-2): QB John Friesz has asked Seahawks organization to address burgeoning paparazzi problem. Pick: Seahawks.
Bills at Eagles (-3-1/2): Memo to Ty Detmer: When you return to Earth, check your messages. Pick: Bills.
Bears at Broncos (-11): John Elway could escape from Alcatraz in a potato sack. Pick: Broncos.
Ravens at Jaguars (-3): NFL oxymoron of the week: Ravens’ pass rush. Pick: Jaguars.
Last week: 5-9. Season record: 64-70.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist