We’re Down To Only A Weekend Marriage
“All my husband cares about is money,” snaps Connie, 39, the mother of two preteen daughters. “We’ve been married for 13 years, but, for most of that time, we’ve hardly seen each other. Bill is a computer salesman and his life is work, work, work. It’s clear that he doesn’t care very much about what’s best for me or our daughters.”
Though Connie is proud of her husband’s initiative and ambition - they both grew up in the same lower-middle-class neighborhood and vividly remember their parents’ financial struggles - each promotion has taken a toll on their marriage. “Each time he’d have to work longer hours or travel more during the week,” she recalls, “I’d think to myself, ‘After this we’ll be a family.’ But it never happened.” If it hadn’t been for her close-knit family and friends, Connie doesn’t know how she would have battled her loneliness.
Recently, Bill was asked to head up a key division of his company - another big promotion, but the office was a two-hour drive from home. “Bill wanted to move us all to be closer to his office - but I refuse to go. My friends and family are here, and our daughters are very happy in school.” Connie says she’s sure Bill will never change.
So Bill stays in a studio apartment near the office during the week and comes home on weekends. “This is no way to live,” Connie sighs.
Bill, 42, is as miserable as Connie, but he refuses to shoulder all the blame. “Connie’s a wonderful human being and a terrific mother, but she doesn’t understand me or my needs,” he says. “Of course I want to make it to the top - but not just for my sake, for hers and the girls’, too. I wanted to give our daughters everything our own parents were never able to give us. I thought she wanted that, too.”
He points out that he can’t very well tell his boss, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like making that business trip.” Bill has always been a hard worker, ever since he was a kid and started taking odd jobs in the neighborhood to help his family out. “When Connie and I first fell in love, she seemed so supportive of my dreams,” he recalls. “I don’t know what happened along the way.”
Instead of talking to him, she’s become silent. Instead of listening to his viewpoint, she cuts him off mid-sentence. Instead of enjoying the fruits of his success, she accuses him of putting on airs. “And now I’m living in a furnished apartment, seeing my kids two days a week - all because Connie refuses to move.”
Accepting the part you play
“Connie and Bill had so much invested in blaming each other for the disintegration of their marriage that neither could see the legitimacy of their partner’s complaints,” says Mark Snowman, a marriage and family therapist in Douglaston, N.Y.
“When problems erupt in a marriage, most people don’t ask themselves, ‘What part am I playing in all this?’ They tend, instead, to blame each other. Some go on the attack, escalating accusations until neither remembers what set them off in the first place. Others retreat into the silence of a cold war.
To avoid this in your marriage, you must interrupt the cycle of blame and focus on the message behind your conflicts. The following strategies helped Connie and Bill stop blaming each other so they could calmly resolve the issues dividing them:
1. Vow to hold your tongue when you’re angry. Instead of striking out at your partner in a heated moment, do some soul-searching first. Ask yourself if there are any ways you might be contributing to the problem - for instance, do any of your partner’s claims ring true?
2. Take turns expressing how you feel. Nothing is more infuriating, as Bill discovered, than being cut off and interrupted when you are trying to explain your thoughts or actions. At the same time, it’s difficult to listen without interrupting when you’re feeling unjustly accused. But the truth is, blaming is an attempt to appear strong and in control when you really feel scared, hurt or worried.
3. Ask your partner what he’s really feeling. When he attacks you, it’s because something is making him unhappy - but he may not even know exactly what that something is. Take the time to ask: What are you really feeling? How would you like things to be different?
4. Hold off on the counterattack. By responding to blame with more blame, you perpetuate a cycle that gets you no closer to resolution. You might say, “We’re not really talking here - we’re starting to blame each other.” This is the only way to keep the discussion on track.