Normans Unite To Expose Boomer As Fake And A Fraud

One month ago, Boomer Esiason was backing up Kent Graham. Today, Boomer Esiason is impersonating Clark Kent. In successive weeks against the Redskins, Giants and Eagles, Esiason has completed 77 of 128 for 1,149 yards and eight touchdowns as his Cardinals have scored nearly 35 points a game.

Outside of BYU-San Diego State, these are outrageous and incredulous numbers.

He throws it, they catch it.

Against Washington, Esiason rallied Arizona from 14 points down for a 37-34 overtime victory; he threw for 351 yards from the fourth quarter on. Against Philadelphia, Esiason took Arizona on a six-play, 66-yard touchdown drive in the final minute with no timeouts for a 36-30 victory; in the fourth quarter, he was 13 of 16 for 180 yards.

These aren’t just Pro Bowl stats, this is Strat-o-Matic on steroids.

And consider that Esiason, 35, has been an endangered species the past several seasons. In recent years, Esiason has looked as if he’s setting up in quicksand and throwing uphill. He appeared to have no ability to get the ball downfield, no ability to find any open receiver, no ability to even bend over and tie his own shoes.

That ends the “up-with-people” portion of this column.

Now I must tell you why I despise Esiason and why Arizona should be as nervous as a turkey at a turkey shoot this week in Minnesota. Boomer and The Man have a lot in common:

Boomer is Maryland, Class of ‘84, and left-handed; The Man is Maryland, Class of ‘81, and left-handed. Plus Boomer and The Man have the same given name - Norman. But once, when asked why he went by “Boomer,” Esiason answered, “Who wants to be called Norman?”

Hah!

Speaking for Norman Rockwell, Norman Mailer, Norman Schwarzkopf, Norm from “Cheers” and even Norman Bates, let me tell one Mr. Norman Esiason that we are perfectly proud of being Normans in a world of Bobbys, Bubbys and Boomers.

As for the Cardinals, they’re arguably the worst .500 team in NFL history. Believe you me, they’re on the express from 6-6 to 6-10. They’re going from Boomer to bust. Thus, I will take the Vikings and give five points against Arizona.

Footnote: Arizona and Tampa Bay each has won three straight games. According to veteran oddsmakers, the improbability of this occurrence could only be surpassed by Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez winning Academy Awards in consecutive years.

(League Update: Cleveland Stadium demolition began this week. For his own safety, former Browns QB Vinny Testaverde has been requested to stay beyond 500 feet of the wrecking ball.)

As usual, all picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Steelers (-6-1/2) at Ravens: By gaining 1,200 yards, Steelers RB Jerome Bettis automatically becomes an unrestricted free agent at season’s end. If he gains 1,500 yards, Bettis automatically becomes prime minister of Canada… . Coach Ted Marchibroda restructured his deal with Ravens so that he’s contractually responsible only for first half of games. Pick: Ravens.

Oilers (-3) at Jets: If Columbus had stepped off the boat and seen the Meadowlands during a Jets game, I got to believe he might’ve downplayed the whole discovery-of-America thing… . Welcome back, Neil O’Donnell! Don’t forget to duck!!! Pick: Oilers.

Buccaneers at Panthers (-6): I could dazzle you with statistical abstracts, defensive breakdowns and Dom Capers tributes, or I could simply tell you what I’ve been telling you, faithful readers and chronic skeptics, since Week One: Carolina is Super Bowl-bound. Pick: Panthers.

Giants at Eagles (-7): Some NFL types still think the Giants can ride Dave Brown’s coattails to victory week in and week out. Folks, I’ve got news for you: Dave Brown doesn’t even own a coat. Pick: Eagles.

Bills (-5) at Colts: I must respectfully and regretfully inform all Colts fans that your quarterbacks for this

weekend listed in order of NFL experience are Paul Justin and Kerwin Bell. Pick: Bills.

Bengals at Jaguars (-3): You’ve got a better chance of seeing Ted Kaczynski at a postman’s ball than you have of seeing Bruce Coslet at a Super Bowl. Pick: Jaguars.

Rams at Saints (-3): A Rich Brooks-Rick Venturi coaching duel is sort of like a Sonny Bono-Dan Quayle debate: Whoever keeps his foot out of his mouth, wins. Pick: Rams.

Patriots at Chargers (-2-1/2): San Diego loses at home to Tampa Bay, then wins at Kansas City. This makes about as much sense as a Joan Collins novel. Pick: Chargers.

Bears at Packers (-10): Teammates petitioned backup Packers QB Jim McMahon to stop playing “Best of Iggy Pop” tape during pregame warmups. Pick: Bears.

49ers (-10) at Falcons: Last week Bill Walsh scripted 49ers’ first 15 plays; this week Walsh rewrote the second act of “Evita.” Pick: 49ers.

Dolphins at Raiders (-2): Just to be on the safe side, embattled Raiders coach Mike White hired a food taster Tuesday. Pick: Dolphins. , Seahawks at Broncos (-11): Key factor: Broncos are the better team. Pick: Broncos.

Last week: 10-5.

Season record: 89-89-1.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist