Comics Shop Toasts New Lois, Clark Tale

It’s pretty tacky bringing up divorce at a wedding reception, but that doesn’t stop us guys.

“Naw, it won’t last,” says Dustin Cantrell, a 13-year-old Garry Middle School seventh-grader, through a mouthful of cake.

“Marriage will only interfere with his business.”

Keith Rosell, 13, Dustin’s classmate, licks a glob of white frosting off his upper lip and nods. “Yeah, that’s what I think, too.”

Craig Barnett probably didn’t expect a crowd of such naysayers when he and his wife, Michelle, put together this lovely wedding reception Monday afternoon at their Comic Book Shop, 7312 N. Division.

In honor of the marriage of the century, the Barnetts sprang for wedding cake, sparkling cider and Hershey’s kisses.

If you haven’t heard, the nation’s hunkiest bachelor got hitched. No, not John-John Kennedy. That’s yesterday’s chowder.

I’m talking about Superman and Lois Lane, who exchanged vows Sunday on the ABC show “Lois & Clark.” The TV ceremony coincides with their marriage in the latest Superman comic released this week. The Barnetts ordered 1,150 copies of the $4.95 white-covered book in anticipation of the big event.

This is the perfect couple to host a reception. Married three years ago, the Barnetts had comic characters on their own cake and chose silver Superman “S” designs for their wedding rings.

But as exciting as all this is, my jaded new pals, Keith and Dustin, are on target. I hate to throw kryptonite at anyone’s blessed nuptials, but this union between Lois and Clark can’t possibly work.

Marrying a Man of Steel is probably a fantasy for a lot of women. But wait until the honeymoon fades and Superman’s compulsive need to save humanity starts interfering with his husbandly duties.

CLARK: “Sorry, Lois, gotta fly. Lex Luthor’s set fire to the orphanage again.”

LOIS: “It’s all the time truth, justice and the American way with you. There’ll be more blazing orphans to rescue tomorrow. Right now, buster, fly that super fanny of yours into the kitchen and take out the garbage.”

Think of the super divorce potential here.

If you thought the breakup of Di and Charles was a royal disaster, what will happen if some hosebag shyster like Johnnie Cochran takes Superman to the cleaners?

JUDGE:”So, Lois, for your pain and suffering from those accidental X-ray vision burns, the court awards you $1 trillion plus the Fortress of Solitude.”

SUPERMAN: “And that leaves me with … ?”

JUDGE: “You get the cape.”

Far be it from me to raise the subject of marital relations in a family newspaper. But any man faster than a speeding bullet will definitely have problems in the ol’ boudoir.

LOIS: “Umm, that’s it?”

What does it say about Superman that he’d fall for such a lunkhead, anyway?

This woman has been working side-by-side with Clark Kent practically since 1938, when the caped crusader first donned tights and leaped from a tall building.

Yet, she never saw through Superman’s disguise (Whoa, big disguise. A pair of glasses!) until he told her when he proposed in a 1991 comic.

“If Superman ever has an affair, poor Lois will never catch on,” worries Spokane marriage counselor Sonya Rose.

I called Sonya to get her professional take on all this. I picked her out of the Yellow Pages because, well, “Sonya Rose” has a catchy comic book ring.

Lois Lane, Perry White, Sonya Rose … I wonder if she has a cape?

Sonya expects an old coot like me to be cynical, but she’s positively shocked by Dustin and Keith. What does it say about society, she wonders, when two 13-year-olds have such little faith in Superman?

“With all those superhuman powers,” Sonya adds, “he’s gotta be able to save a marriage.”

Correction

In Tuesday’s column I mistakenly noted Seattle’s Little Bill Englehart as a black blues musician. He is white.

, DataTimes