Family Has Fallen, And Can’t Get Up

Houston’s Al Del Greco made a 49-yard field goal last Sunday night in overtime. This came after Cincinnati’s Doug Pelfrey missed a 40-yard field goal as time expired in regulation.

Therein lies the difference between winning and, well, Dave Shula.

The party’s over, it’s time to call Dad to pick him up. Not since Peter Fonda has someone this shrewdless borrowed so shamelessly on the family name.

Shula (19-50), fastest NFL coach to 50 defeats, now takes dead aim at Sam Wyche (87-109), fastest NFL coach to 100 defeats. To fully appreciate the city of Cincinnati’s annual agony, you must understand that Wyche and Shula are the Bengals’ two most recent head coaches.

The statistical debris against Shula is devastating: In his nearly 4-1/2-year career in Cincinnati, he never has won more than two games in a row. Five times he’s had losing streaks of at least five games. He opened the 1993 season 0-10 and the ‘94 season 0-9. His teams often are outclassed - half of his 50 losses have come by 10 points or more.

Sure, he has the famous Shula jaw, but, unfortunately, he also has the fatal Saban touch.

He couldn’t lead dishwater down a drain.

I hate to say this about the young Shula, but … maybe football’s not the best line of work for him. And, with Papa Don forced out of Miami last year, with brother Mike the offensive coordinator on a team (Tampa Bay) with no offense and with Dave 1-4 this season en route to 6-10, the NFL could be purged of all Shulas by World Cup ‘98.

It’s not as if I dislike the Shulas.

The Man even rooted for Dave Shula last week. I had beaucoup bucks on the Bengals minus-1-1/2 against Houston. Believe you me, Shula’s pained expression at game’s end did not equal that of The Man’s twisted stomach. For the Bengals may have lost a game, but I lost a Waikiki three-day weekend with a registered nurse by the name of Rowena.

The Man won’t make the same mistake twice - Cincinnati is a nine-point underdog Sunday at Pittsburgh. I’m taking the Steelers, giving the points and making my way to Maui.

CNN/USA Today’s state of Florida Top 10 football rankings: 1, Florida; 2, Florida State; 3, Seattle Seahawks; 4, University of Miami; 5, Miami Dolphins; 6, Florida A&M 7, Jacksonville Jaguars; 8, Orlando Breakers; 9, Westminster Christian High School; 10, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

TV Note: WNBC in New York registered nearly 300 calls last Sunday in the fourth quarter of Raiders-Jets game, asking the station to switch to “Heidi.”

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

49ers at Packers (-4-1/2): I’m sorry - if it’s Elvis Grbac vs. Brett Favre, that’s like Hamburger Helper vs. chateaubriand. Now, if the game is handed over to the “backups,” that’s a whole other meal deal - Steve Young vs. Jim McMahon is like vichyssoise vs. Cup-a-Soup. Pick: Packers.

Ravens at Colts (-9-1/2): I’ll be honest with you - I follow the NFL pretty closely, and I don’t know which of these teams Ted Marchibroda’s currently coaching, I don’t know which of these teams currently is in Baltimore, I don’t know which of these teams is in which division. But, hey, if it’s on TNT, I’m there! Pick: Ravens.

Jets at Jaguars (-8): Yo, Neil - you’re stuck in New Jersey, you have a bum shoulder and you’re 0-6. But at least you’ve got good bagels! … If I ever bet on the Jets again, my immediate family has been directed to institutionalize me at the Danny Sheridan Rehab Clinic & Keno Hall in Mobile, Ala. Pick: Jaguars.

Bears at Saints (-1): U.S. Postal Service’s new George Halas stamp will feature groundonly delivery. Next up: “Mike Ditka Priority Mail,” with guaranteed two-day service or postal carrier gets shoved. Pick: Saints.

Dolphins at Bills (-5): Did you see Jimmy Johnson absolutely lose it toward the end of Dolphins’ loss to Seattle? You would’ve thought there had been a run on Vitalis Super Hold at his local Target. Pick: Dolphins.

Rams at Panthers (-7): Rams’ season rushing total: 343 yards. Rams’ season penalty total: 337 yards. As Lawrence Phillips will tell you, sometimes you take one step forward, sometimes you take one step back. Pick: Panthers.

Oilers at Falcons (-1): Falcons’ brass now links Jeff George to swine flu epidemic of ‘76… . Small crowd at Georgia Dome should make Oilers feel at home. Pick: Oilers.

Vikings (-7) at Buccaneers: Tampa Bay QB Trent Dilfer tried to wire his wife last week, but the message was intercepted. Pick: Vikings.

Lions at Raiders (-1): Memo to Raiders fans: It is a parole violation to exceed 100 mph driving to or from stadium. Pick: Lions.

Eagles (-3) at Giants: Giants QB Dave Brown has asked those in back of huddle “to keep it down” when he’s calling plays. Pick: Giants.

Redskins at Patriots (-5): If it were up to me, Bill Parcells would be the maitre d’ at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Pick: Redskins.

Cardinals at Cowboys (-15): Break out the party hats, Michael’s back! Pick: Cowboys.

Last week: 7-5. Season record: 44-37.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist