Take This White House Job And Shove It
A new poll reports that most American young people don’t want to grow up to be president.
I have interviewed young people galore to find out why.
Anita M. of Houma, La., says: “You think I want to spend my life being investigated by (New York Republican) Sen. Alfonse D’Amato? I want to be a professor emeritus of the history of music and win a $1 million Nobel Prize for proving that Elvis is really dead.”
Bert H. of Sans Souci, N.D.: “Sure, it would be great having your own 747 when you want to go out on Saturday night, but imagine spending time with those geeky congressmen.”
Saul O. of Salisbury Plain, Ohio: “I can’t stand athletes. When you’re president, you’ve got to phone their locker rooms after they’ve won the latest Greatest Game in the History of Jockstraps and invite them to the White House. Forget it.”
Mavis W. of Eglantine, Ore.: “President? You’ve got to be kidding. Sit around the office waiting for a public opinion poll to tell you what you can do? I want a job where I can have my own ideas instead of waiting for pollsters to have them for me. A job that gives me a chance to do something daring, y’know, without having to get a poll-taker’s permission.”
Macushla M. of Falls-by-the-Sea, Neb.: “A kid would have to be out of his skull to take a job where you have to listen to (Vice President) Al Gore explain how to toast a marshmallow.”
Rebecca E. of Kiddiebunkport, Maine: “You can’t have much respect for me if you think I want a job where I’d have to go on television and kill an hour and a half arguing with Bob Dole about the distinction between a tittle and a jot.”
Sergei R. of East Meow, Ind.: “You crazy? Why would I want a job where I have to listen to Al Gore explain how to say no when somebody offers you a glass of poisoned drinking water?”
Seamus A. of Alvarez Heights, Mich.: “I’m too ambitious to settle for a job that can be done by people such as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, James A. Garfield, Chester Allen Arthur, Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George Bush and William J. Clinton. I’d rather grow up and make something of myself.”
Austin K. of East Bat Cave, Tenn.: “I hear the pay is only $200,000 plus expenses, which doesn’t seem like much if you’ve got any ambition. Plus, they’re not going to build you something like the Lincoln Memorial or the Kennedy Center until you’ve been assassinated and it’s too late to enjoy knowing you’re a legend. I want to be a legend in my own time. So it’s life-splitting eardrums with electric guitars for me. Go platinum and you’re rolling in millions.”
Bartholomew F. of Concave, Wis.: “If I’d known about the presidency being a possibility, I wouldn’t have done that little bit of pot last summer, but what’s smoked is smoked. Soon as I got to be president, they’d find out about it and my name would be cursed all over the country, and then I’d never be able to get an honest job once I got out of the White House. Please don’t print my name, OK?”
Mame C. of Elktooth, N.Y.: “Well, I wouldn’t mind traveling around and seeing the world like presidents do, and it would be nice to see Washington, too, especially since I can’t afford my high-school class’s trip down there next year. But I don’t want my family exposed to all the dirt-digging the media would do if I ever got to be president. My granddaddy did some time way back for bootlegging and my Uncle Al is too attractive to women for his own good, and my mom - well, I’m not going to let the media broadcast all that scandal just so I can be president.”
Calvin J. of Sycamore Bypass, Mo.: “I’d rather grow up to be a partner in a big-time Washington law firm. Then I could buy senators and congressmen for great big, really cool corporations and they would make presidents toe the line. I’m told there is plenty of money to be made in this line of work. What’s more, it would be a lot of fun to buy senators.”
Frogmore E. of Sandy Mountain, Kan.: “Who in his right mind wants a job where you’ve got to sit around listening to Al Gore tell you what a great president you are?”
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