Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Spot him California, just to keep things interesting

In Wednesday’s debate, Bob Dole said that Clinton should spot him 10 points. He was just kidding, of course. Upon more serious reflection, he asked for 20.

C’mon, people! Work with me here!

Poor Bob Dole. Nobody in the debate audience wanted to ask questions about Clinton’s shady shenanigans. Finally, Dole was able to launch into a lecture about missing FBI files, but he had to do so during a question about Socks the Cat.

Clinton sets sights on the Congress

Clinton is turning his attention to helping secure a Democratic Congress. I don’t think that’s too bright. The only thing that can push Dole over the top now is the threat of a Democratic Congress.

Don’t get over-excited, Boris

In a dramatic declaration this week, Boris Yeltsin suddenly announced that he was firing Alexander Lebed. “That’s nice, Boris,” his nurses said. “Now lay your head back down on the pillow.” Then they ratcheted up his medication.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s satirical look at issues in the news. The views expressed are those of the writer.