Pass On The Cake And Ignore Sneers

Dear Miss Manners: I work in an office of 30 people, and we have cake every month for birthdays; we have cake for weddings; we have cake for retirements; we have people who bring in cake on Fridays just to celebrate its being a Friday.

I always participate in the festivities by signing cards and wishing the person well, etc., but I usually don’t care to eat the cake.

Not because I dislike cake. Personally, I love cake. But if I ate all that cake, I’d be a blimp. I eat enough sweets at home as it is.

No one in my office is seriously overweight, and it wouldn’t bother me if they were, but for some reason people insist I eat cake, and when I decline, they take it personally. At least three people ask “Do you want cake?” or “Did you get cake?” or “Get some cake!” before I make it back to my office.

When I say no thanks, I get a sneer. Is there a nicer way to handle it, or should I just not worry, and if my not eating cake bothers them so much, so be it. This is a very small problem in the grand scheme of things.

Gentle Reader: But it’s a field day for Miss Manners. Have some cake.

No, wait. She doesn’t mean that.

Oddly enough, neither do your colleagues. Their exhortations are really only blather intending to convey geniality. It’s a pitiful sort of geniality that turns so easily to a sneer, but that is what they intend.

Social life is full of people who believe that attempting to force ever more food and drink into their protesting guests is an act of hospitality.

The twist that particularly interests Miss Manners is that you are at work - if, indeed, anybody in that office has time to work between parties. Any socializing at work, beyond merely being pleasant and cooperative, is supposed to be voluntary.

To engage workers in constant compulsory partying, and then attempt to make the party food compulsory as well is not just rude. It is a very odd definition of fun.

Dear Miss Manners: I’m alone after 19 years with the same lover. An elderly man alone usually tries to be unobtrusive, unnoticed and to fit in. They try to seat you near the kitchen or the toilet. So when you do see a single seat at the bar or counter, you head for it - only to find it already “occupied” by a lady’s handbag. Sometimes the handbags are on the seat, and sometimes directly on the countertop. They are always huge.

Should I back away meekly, apologizing for thinking I could have sat there, or do I just ask, “Is someone sitting here?”

Friends say that the placement of the bag is a device to ward off the unwanted, the “unclean,” at the whim of the owner.

Gentle Reader: It is against Miss Manners’ creed to babble about self-esteem when people request sensible advice.

But really, sir, you do need to buck up a bit.

Ladies do not park their handbags on chairs and counters because they think you are unclean and undesirable. They park them there because there is nowhere else to put them. If all counters and bars were built with a sub-level for storage, the world would be a better place.

Now that you understand, Miss Manners expects you to request the seat you want, whether it is from a customer using it as a parking lot or from an employee who offers you a place you don’t like when better places are available.

Do so in a courteous, neutral way. Accompanying so reasonable a request with a pleading look suggests to unaccompanied ladies that you expect more than a seat and brings out the worst in waiters.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate