Even New Age Guys Need The Upgrade

The other day, my wife bought a new purse, prompting me to cluck pieties about the need to refrain from frivolous purchases. Later that afternoon, I went out and spent $50 for video game software.

There will now be a short pause as women readers vent steam like a teakettle.

Those same women will doubtless be gratified to know that today’s topic is: Understanding Men. Because we men are, it pains me to say, often tragically misunderstood.

Consider the aforementioned purse and software. I’m sure many women would say that the most important lesson to be learned from this episode is that men are swine.

Wrong! That’s only the second most important. Lesson No. 1 is that to understand boys, you must first understand toys.

And if you’re wondering how I came to this creed and why I’m bothering you with it, well … Mike started it. He’s the normally sensible guy down the street who recently went and bought himself the Cadillac of video game systems, the Sony PlayStation. Price tag: about $200.

His wife was shocked. Me, too. I mean, he’s just now getting a PlayStation? Geez, I bought mine months ago. When he told me about his purchase, I couldn’t resist showing off a little. Even plugged in “Tekken,” the popular fighting game, and knocked him around a few times.

So about an hour later, I get a call from Mike. He’s in his truck, on the way home from the toy store, where he just bought “Tekken 2,” the upgrade, which he intends to practice on until he’s able to beat me like batter.

Well, of course, you realize that this means war.

I go to my wife and tell her I’ve got to get myself a copy of “Tekken 2” because the honor of our household is at stake. My wife, because she is a saint, doesn’t beat me to death with her new purse. Moments later, I’m in the car rushing to the toy store, and that’s when it hits me …

“I’m never going to grow up.” I’ve been waiting my whole life for it to happen, and it’s not gonna. Until my last day, there will remain in me something fascinated with toys in all their permutations. Something that lusts for widgets and gidgets and gadgets and gizmos, games and devices with buttons and gauges, space savers and noisemakers with cutting edge technology and multiple power settings. Something that forces me to pause when passing a display of computers, cars, big screen TVs, stereo systems, power tools, model trains, video games … and other toys.

I’ve tried to be mature, like women. By which I mean I’ve tried to cultivate an obsession with shoes. But it’s just not the same.

We boys love toys. The feel of them, the heft of them, the getting-to-know-them phase when you press a button just to see what it does. I guess I had figured that would change someday. That multipurpose channel clickers and five-disc CD changers would lose their allure. That I would cease to find joy in simulated battles on a fancy game system.

All those expectations died within me as I gave the cashier my credit card.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to grow up,” I confessed to my wife when I got home. Marilyn gave me a look that said, “Well, duh.” But there was no rancor in that look. Indeed, there might even have been a hint of affection. As if she knows me well - but loves me anyway.

Which brings us back to Understanding Men.

Because many women, I think, want to believe we’re as complex and contradictory as they are - that if they could just get past the simple-minded “guy” stuff, break through to the subtext of our psyches, they would find these “other” men - thoughtful, sensitive … housebroken. But the truth is, we guys have no subtext, no secret inner life, no hidden world of meaning.

We are just what we seem to be.

There will now be another short pause as women glance warily at the men nearest them … and shudder with unspeakable dread.

xxxx