We’re At Each Other’s Throats Every Night
“David and I have been married for 11 years, but for the last three, we’ve drifted so far apart, I don’t think there’s much left to call a marriage,” sighs Sybil, 33, a nurse and mother of Diana, 7, and Nicholas, 5.
After David lost his job as vice president of a printing company - “the third time in 11 years he’s been out of work,” Sybil points out - they’ve been struggling financially. When he finally found a new position, the family had to relocate. “That meant selling our home and pulling up roots,” Sybil says. “And it meant saying goodbye to friends I relied on.”
David’s new post as manager of a printing plant involves 12-hour shifts, 6 p.m. to 6 a.m., three nights a week and every other weekend. Because his salary is far lower, Sybil has gone back to work at the local hospital, and her schedule is erratic.
“I want to do my share,” Sybil says. “But I love being home with my children and, with the recent move, they’re especially needy.” Moreover, her marriage is an empty shell. “We walk by each other and don’t speak. We don’t even say good night.” She especially resents having to be the sole disciplinarian.
Overwhelmed and stressed, Sybil finds evenings nightmarish. “It makes me crazy to find David lying on the sofa, strumming his guitar when the beds aren’t made and dinner isn’t even begun,” she complains. For the sake of her children, Sybil desperately wants to save the marriage, but worries her husband won’t talk, even to a counselor.
David, 35, is just as unhappy - and just as defensive. “There isn’t a day that she doesn’t make me feel like a failure,” he says. “I’m tired of hearing what a dope I am.” His wife, he states, is hotheaded and argumentative. “I’m not in to fighting, but the minute she gets home, Sybil lets loose,” he says.
David has enough grief at work. He dislikes his job and feels demoralized about his demotion. “I also suspect that I’m going to come out of this office looking like the bad guy,” he says.
It’s all in the timing
“Like many couples, Sybil and David discovered that pressures from outside their marriage can affect their relationship far more than they anticipated,” says Paul Moschetta, a marriage counselor in Huntington, N.Y. “These two have to pull their expectations of each other and their relationship in line with reality.”
The first few minutes they see each other in the evening can alter the course of their relationship. “The attitude displayed during that transition time between work and home is emblematic of the problems couples have in other areas of their lives,” Moschetta notes.
If you’re having difficulty reconnecting with your spouse in a meaningful way during this “witching hour,” keep the following in mind:
1. Establish a reentry ritual. It doesn’t have to be long or involved - a hug and a kiss or five minutes at the kitchen table to chat while you flip through the mail are all that many couples need. Some find it’s a good idea to spend a few minutes with the children, who are craving attention, then let them play by themselves or watch a video, while the parents catch up. Still others find each partner needs time alone at the end of the day to regain his or her sanity.
Sybil recognized this but had never made the effort. In counseling, she and David discussed how she could find the time, even if it was only 15 minutes, to take a shower, lie down or read a magazine so she had a buffer between the hospital and home. Sybil’s first priority now is to calm herself down.
2. Find some time to share your concerns. You may only need a few minutes, but it’s vital that couples make time to talk about the day’s events and their own feelings. Sybil found that during her break in the late afternoon, she could call David and catch up on things, so that when she came home, they could concentrate on each other and the kids.
3. Remember what not to do. When your spouse first comes home after work, or when you rush in, don’t criticize, announce that Timmy failed the math test again or bring up unresolved issues. Don’t leap in with accusatory statements, either, such as: “You forgot to go to the bank again, didn’t you?”
Once David felt he was no longer the target of Sybil’s attacks, he became more helpful with discipline. Instead of getting caught up in daily events, they take the time to think about what’s happening in their relationship.