Horrors! Jets, Giants Continue To Play

In the stadium by the swamp, in the city off a ramp, in the state so nice they’ll toll you on roads twice, currently unfolds a macabre, eerie, ghastly, hideous, dire, calamitous, mortifying, frightful, Gorgonian twin tale of gridiron dread, a horror movie sequel simply called “Escape From New York: Oh, No, It’s New Jersey!”

I speak, of course, of the Jets and Giants.

Both teams are 0-2, and each likely would be headed for 0-16 except for the fact that they meet Sept. 22 in the lovely, liquored-up conflagration of The Meadowlands.

Speaking of which, I’d go to Baghdad in a Buick before I’d go to Giants Stadium on a Sunday.

(Did you see Giants Stadium during the Jets-Colts game? It looked a little like the final scene in “Twister,” only more threatening.)

So, how bad are these two teams? Well, in retailing terms, chic clubs such as the Cowboys and 49ers are Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom; the Jets and Giants are Pep Boys and Petco.

The Jets have been outscored 52-13. The Giants - since gaining a 17-0 lead in their season opener - have been outscored 50-3. The Jets offense is reminiscent of the Running of the Bulls, only less organized. The Giants offense is reminiscent of a landfill, only less mobile.

(Boxing note: Mike Tyson’s next opponent - the Jets.)

Quarterbacking the Jets is $25 million man Neil O’Donnell, who is represented by “super agent” Leigh Steinberg. True fact: Other Steinberg clients who have played quarterback for the Jets include Ken O’Brien, Jack Trudeau, Troy Taylor, Glen Foley and Browning Nagle.

Meanwhile, Giants quarterback Dave Brown - another Steinberg guy - makes you wonder, “How could they let Kent Graham go?”

Now, I don’t want to coach the Jets - Rich Kotite (3-22 in his last 25 games) is doing that in classic Rich Kotite fashion - but starting Wayne Chrebet ahead of Keyshawn Johnson is like ordering the Boone’s Farm instead of the Bordeaux.

Like the old expression goes, Keyshawn couldn’t find a pass with both hands. He’ll finally get to start this Sunday.

And I hate to be critical of a sensational talent such as Johnson, but did you see his reaction to scoring a touchdown last week? He acted as if he had discovered America AND found out he’d gotten free HBO for a month.

Naturally, I’ll back my Jersey jabs with tax-deductible dollars: I’ll take the Dolphins, giving 12 points at home against the Jets, and the visiting Redskins, giving one point against the Giants.

(Keeping An Eye On The Big Picture: The 49ers have outscored their first two opponents by 61-11 and the Packers have done it by 73-16. Wow. Still, The Man must repeat The Notion that is stuck in his thick skull - Carolina is Super Bowl-bound!)

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Jaguars at Raiders (-6): Desperate to regain glory of the 1960s, ‘70s and ‘80s, Raiders owner Al Davis auditioned several former child actors at quarterback Wednesday. … Meanwhile, DT Chester McGlockton turned in a team petition asking Davis to remove eight-track cassette player from weight room. Pick: Raiders.

Ravens at Oilers (-3): Surfing the Internet the other day, Ravens QB Vinny Testaverde spotted one of his overthrown passes from the 1993 season… . Astrodome promotion: free tank of gas for first 75 fans who arrive before halftime. Pick: Ravens.

Bills at Steelers (-3): Every minute of every day of every week of every month that goes by without a Mike Tomczak interception, you realize that we live in an inexplicable universe filled with astounding natural and unnatural wonders. Pick: Steelers.

Chiefs (-4) at Seahawks: If Seahawks had not let QB Dave Krieg go after 1991 season, they might be a playoff team today. Then again, if I had bought Microsoft stock at 8 in 1986, I’d be dating Anna Nicole Smith today. Pick: Chiefs.

Saints at Bengals (-3): “We’re one game out (of first place) with 14 to go,” said Bengals coach Dave Shula of his 0-2 start. I hate to be the one to say it, but … maybe football’s not the best of line of work for him. Pick: Saints.

Buccaneers at Broncos (-14): Buccaneers’ Tony Dungy seeking “video deposition” from always innovative exTampa Bay coach Sam Wyche to assess Wyche’s blame for current state of franchise. Pick: Broncos.

Colts at Cowboys (-10): Expanded Cowboys playbook includes appendix on Miranda rights and witness tampering… . Surprise visitor to Cowboys’ “White House” Tuesday: Dick Morris. Pick: Cowboys.

Lions at Eagles (-3): Many Americans want, as Ronald Reagan once put it, “a shining city on a hill.” Philadelphians just want a turnover-free offense. Pick: Eagles.

Vikings at Bears (-3): Vikings coach Dennis Green surprised team by initiating “Casual Fridays.” Pick: Bears.

Cardinals at Patriots (-9): New feature at Foxboro Stadium: “two-drink minimum” sections. Pick: Patriots.

Chargers at Packers (-8): I’d take a personal check from Art Schlichter before I’d take the points against Brett Favre. Pick: Packers.

Last week: 11-4.*

Season record: 18-12.

(*-The Man is walking on sunshine. And, boy oh boy, is it HOT up here!)

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist