Cheap Seats

Here’s to the Aints and the Not-Yet Jets

The 0-4 New Orleans Saints are bringing back memories of the bad old days when the fans wore bags on their heads. At Sunday’s game against the almost-as-hapless Arizona Cardinals, the Saints drew only 34,316 fans.

After Arizona won 28-14, Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill said, “At least, we did our part to help the New Orleans economy.”

When asked what he meant, Bidwill said, “Because after this game, they’re going to start selling those bags again.”

Meanwhile, over at the Jersey swamplands where the Loser Bowl was staged between the Giants and the Jets, one New York fan said it all with his banner: “Dr. Kevorkian: Please call me at 1-800-Jets-Fan or 1-800-Giants-Fan. I’m in a lot of pain. It’s hopeless.”

Jockeying for publicity

Wilbur never had this problem in Mister Ed’s heyday.

But Jerry Bailey, the jockey who has ridden Cigar in his last 17 starts, 16 of them victories, hired Athletes & Artists to represent him for all his off-track activities.

“This year has been on the crazy side in terms of requests,” said Bailey, “I’ve gotten numerous print and radio requests. They’ve become too cumbersome for me to handle.”

A lot of Bailey’s mail is from boys and girls “under 15 who just love horses,” he said, then, with a laugh, added, “They ask for Cigar’s picture, but fortunately I’m in them.”

So, kids, from left to right that’s…

Tiger’s Titleist could go a long way

Twelve-year-old Ben Kessler picked up a one-of-a-kind memento at the Greater Milwaukee Open that could be one for the ages.

It’s the Titleist ball that Tiger Woods tossed into the gallery after completing the final hole of his first professional tournament.

And it took some scrambling for young Ben to get his hands on it.

“He reached into the cup, took out the ball and threw it towards us. A bunch of men leaped for it, but I heard it hit the bleachers and fall through.”

Ben carries 93 pounds on a 5-foot-1-inch frame - just the right size to slip through the bleachers.

“I saw all these men run to the bottom of the bleachers and go around to the back,” he said. “I was able to go through the bleachers and get there first.’ Ben immediately was offered $300 for the ball.

“But I’ll never sell it, not even for $1,000. I’m keeping it forever.”

At least until that guy from the Psychic Friends Network comes calling.

Price is right for porcelain

Cleveland Browns fan Gary Bauer has gone to the crapper. Bauer, owner of a downtown Cleveland nightclub, purchased the toilet of Browns owner Art Modell at the Cleveland Stadium auction Tuesday and Wednesday.

The toilet sold for $2,700.

Modell’s one and only Super Bowl.

The last word …

“Congratulations to the Texas Rangers’ marketing whizzes who have touted the team’s playoff run as the ‘Hunt for Red October,’ which happens to be a novel by Tom Clancy, who happens to be part owner of the Baltimore Orioles, whom the Rangers may face in the first round of the playoffs.”

- Henry Schulman, San Francisco Examiner

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo