Walsh Can’t Teach 49ers To Read Latin

In San Francisco - where cultural tastes are refined, where wine-and-cheese spreads are required, where dumb outsiders are reviled, where life on the streets is revered - a simple question must be recited:

What’s Bill Walsh doing working on special teams?

This is no time to panic - the 49ers, after all, are 2-1 - but you bring in The Genius, this Crowned Head, the Picasso of the passing game, this eminence grise, the West Coast Offense artificer, this vainglorious visionary, and, bang, it looks like your team is carrying Tom and Roseanne uphill in a wheelbarrow.

Nobody blocks, nobody runs, nobody passes.

Suddenly, Steve Young is Ben Gazzara.

Did you see the 49ers against Carolina? They have no running game; frankly, it’s closer to running in place. Most of their offensive linemen, I believe, were working for Office Depot at this time last year. The 49ers offense appears as if it’s trying to change lanes on the freeway, and nobody’s letting it in.

Offensive coordinator Marc Trestman’s looking over his shoulder so much, he sprained his neck last Sunday.

Which brings us to Walsh, hired as an “administrative assistant.” (Right, Bill Walsh is an administrative assistant like Hillary Clinton is a housewife.)

Walsh has come in - to a team with Young-to-Jerry Rice, to a team with a record of 95-30 and two Super Bowl titles since his departure in 1988 - and brought a new language and sophistication to the 49ers’ playbook. Unfortunately, it’s all in Latin.

Then again, you can bark out “Red Right 22 scat Texas wide cross” all you want, it’s not going to matter if Derek Loville is carrying the ball.

It may be time to reassess Walsh - at least the ‘90s Walsh. In this decade, he has been an NBC analyst (ugh!), the coach at Stanford (17-17-1!) and an NFL bon vivant, wandering the countryside as a sage/ savant while providing sound bites to NFL Films specials. And now he’s returned to San Francisco, messing with my main man George Seifert’s shadowy success.

Plus, the 49ers, 14-point favorites at home against Atlanta, got a bad break when Falcons coach June Jones gave choleric quarterback Jeff George a “personal bonus bye week.” Thus, I’ll take the Falcons and the points.

Turnstile Tidbit: Look at some NFL attendance figures from last week - Tampa Bay, 30,212; New Orleans, 34,316; Atlanta, 40,107; Oakland, 49,097. Where was everybody, JFK Jr.’s wedding? What, suddenly people are saving up for the MLS playoffs? Geez. And I guess those 19,377 no-shows at Giants Stadium were all at Bergen Mall looking for bedspread bargains.)

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Packers (-9-1/2) at Seahawks: In attempt to end 1-12 skid on artificial turf - and to prepare for dome game - Packers practiced all week in trunk of assistant coach Gil Haskell’s Buick Le Sabre… . Packers QB Brett Favre and league reached accord: Favre can order a beer, but he cannot drink it. Pick: Seahawks.

Cowboys (-1-1/2) at Eagles: Because of new product placement contract negotiated by Jerry Jones, Cowboys defense must use Black & Decker Weed Whacker in huddle… . Cowboys’ new team motto: “We Are Family - Well, That Is, Except For When We Step Out On Our Wives.” Pick: Cowboys.

Panthers (-3) at Jaguars: Granted, The Man has no personal life and no professional future, but The Man knows pro football like Dom DeLuise knows cholesterol. And, believe you me, Carolina is Super Bowl-bound! Pick: Panthers.

Oilers at Steelers (-6): ESPN’s Ron Jaworski recently said, “(Houston’s) Chris Chandler has quietly become one of the league’s best quarterbacks.” Yeah, and Judd Nelson has quietly become of the nation’s leading thespians. Pick: Steelers.

Broncos (-3-1/2) at Bengals: Football is a game of inches. Well, at least that’s the standard of measurement the Bengals use for their rushing game. Pick: Broncos.

Saints at Ravens (-6): You can bet your bottom dollar - and, frankly, that’s all I have left after last week’s wagering Waterloo - New Orleans will upset Baltimore. Pick: Saints.

Raiders at Bears (-3): Trying to avoid second-half collapse again, several Bears to experiment with “taking a nap” at halftime. Pick: Raiders.

Lions (-7) at Buccaneers: Desperate Tampa Bay offensive coordinator Mike Shula attempted to download a touchdown last Sunday. Pick: Buccaneers.

Chiefs at Chargers (-1-1/2): At Junior Seau’s request, Federal Express now delivers a “total blitz package” into San Diego area. Pick: Chargers.

Vikings (-6) at Giants: If aliens invaded Giants Stadium during a Giants game, I kind of like our chances. Pick: Giants.

Jets at Redskins (-8): Watching Jets’ 2-minute offense is like watching George Jetson walk Astro on that treadmill. Pick: Redskins.

Rams at Cardinals (-2): This game really has a UPN feel to it. Pick: Cardinals.

Last week: 4-9.*

Season record: 29-27.

(*-Let me tell you something - the bookmakers might beat me down, the divorce lawyers might beat me down, the tax goons might beat me down. But, like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. Real men don’t cry in their beer, and The Man hasn’t shed a tear since Col. Blake didn’t make it home from Korea in ‘75.)